WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS MAKING POOR CHOICES
What to do When - Part 3 of 4
October 30, 2005
John Reed and Gerry White

Dave's life
Simple family and childhood
Grew up on a farm as the youngest of eight children

Spiritually
Prayed a lot
Loved God

  • National Hero during wartime
  • Natural born leader, loved politics, wealthy

One night an attractive woman who was Dave's neighbor slipped into his house late in the evening and didn't come out until the next morning. [2 Samuel 12]

Two facts

  1. This neighbor mistress got pregnant that night
  2. Dave had a friend whose name was Nate. Nate became aware of Dave's poor choice.

When someone you love is making poor choices, what do you do?

If you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back.

James 5:19 (Msg)

God says, "if you know someone who is wavering spiritually right now, it is your responsibility to go after them and bring them back into fellowship."

In Real fellowship people experience authenticity

Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface level chit chat. It's genuine, heart to heart, sometimes gut-level, sharing.

In Real fellowship people experience sympathy

Sympathy is not giving advice or offering quick, cosmetic help; it's entering in and sharing the pain of others.

As holy people whom God has chosen and loved, be sympathetic, kind, humble, gentle, and patient.

Colossians 3:12 (GW)

A man's friends should be kind to him when he is in trouble, even if he stops fearing the Almighty.

Job 6:14 (NCV)

In Real fellowship people experience mercy

Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice.

When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair.

2 Corinthians 2:7 (CEV)

You can't have fellowship without forgiveness

Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

Colossians 3:12 (NLT)

The tunnel of conflict is the passageway to intimacy in any relationship. Until you care enough to confront and resolve the underlying barriers, you will never grow close to one another.

You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it ...better devastation and embarrassment than damnation... You pass it off as a small thing, but it's anything but... you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when one of your Christian companions is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. [12] I'm not responsible for what the outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers?

1 Corinthians 5:3-12 (Msg)

In Real fellowship takes humility

Self-importance, smugness, and stubborn pride destroys fellowship. Pride builds walls between people; humility builds bridges. Humility is the oil that smoothes and soothes relationships.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others.

When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But we should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers.

Galatians 6:10 (NCV)

God wants you to be in regular, close fellowship with other believers so you can develop the skill of loving. Love cannot be learned in isolation. You have to be around people - irritating, imperfect, frustrating people.

God wants his family to be known for its love.

How to Restore a Relationship

God has...called us to settle our relationships with each other.

2 Corinthians 5:18 (Msg)

Five Biblical Steps to Restoring Fellowship

1. Talk to God before talking to the person

David used prayer to ventilate vertically. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to God. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotion.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? ...You want something but don't get it. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

James 4:1-2 (NIV)

2. Always take the initiative

It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is important. Jesus commanded that it even takes priority over group worship.

If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, [24] abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

Matthew 5:23-24 (Msg)

Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse.

3. Sympathize with their feelings

Always begin with sympathy, not solutions. Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive.

we must bear the "burden" of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others... Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good.

Romans 15:2 (Living)

4. Attack the problem, not the person

You cannot fix the problem if you're consumed with fixing the blame. You will never get your point across by being cross. So choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.

A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger.

Proverbs 15:1 (NCV)

Nagging never works! You are never persuasive when you're abrasive.

A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.

Proverbs 16:21 (TEV)

5. Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution

Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When you focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

You can reestablish a relationship even when you are unable to resolve your differences. Christians often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but you can disagree without being disagreeable.

God expects unity, not uniformity. You can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.

Something to Ponder: Relationships are always worth restoring.

Jesus said, "God blesses those who work for peace." Is there a name, is there a situation you would say, "Lord, I love this person too much not to get involved. Give me the courage, grace and love to help."

I wonder today are there some people, maybe in your small group, maybe in this church who are on a destructive path. They don't see it but you see it. The reason they're on that path today, could it be there just hasn't been somebody in their life who loves them enough and cares about them enough and is committed to them enough that they're willing to accept the risk of speaking truth into their life.

Who knows what could happen if in a loving, prayerful way you went to that person to try to turn them back to the right path? It would not be an overstatement to say, it might be the difference between life and death.

Prayer:

Father, I commit to talking to you about the issue first, and to take the initiative, to sympathize to their feelings; I will not attack the person or be defensive, but lovingly focus on reconciliation. In Jesus' Name.