Lighthouse Baptist Church
and Christian Academy

"This is who I really am. This is what I feel, what I hope for, what I dream, what I fear. I want you to accept me. I want to know who you are, what you dream and what you fear."

Definition of Intimacy:

1. An unarmed encounter between two vulnerable individuals
2. The ongoing and painful process of replacing selfishness with love
3. Knowing what is in your heart and finding ways to communicate it

You are in this relationship by choice, nobody made the choice for you. You must take personal responsibility to be vulnerable.

To be vulnerable you need:

1. Assurance that the person you are with will continue to respect you.
2. Loyalty.
3. To disarm - to let go of the urge to be right and to avoid an urge to punish the other person, even when you feel you have been injured.
4. To open yourself even with the possibility of being misunderstood or hurt.

Your spouse is not in the relationship to take care of you. His/her role is to be responsive to your needs; your role is to be responsive to his/her needs. Your spouse cannot make you happy and you cannot make your spouse happy.

You join forces and make happiness possible for each other by being emotionally and physically responsive and by each of you taking full responsibility for creating your own outcomes.

You create a better outcome when you practice:

• Self-disclosure: sharing feelings, thoughts and values. Communicate your issues, wants, needs, feelings, and boundaries honestly and directly. Do not avoid conflict to protect yourself or your partner's feelings. It must be OK. Communicate truth so that it neither offends nor results in unproductive conflict.
• Shared control of the relationship: giving equal importance to both partners' feelings and desires.
• Sensitivity to feelings, both your own and those of your partner.
• Ability to resolve conflict in mutually acceptable ways.
• Vulnerability: a willingness to let down usual defenses and be candid.

Intimacy Busters [keep you at a safe distance while providing the illusion of closeness]

1. You get defensive when you are challenged
2. When someone whose behavior caused you to feel unsafe much of the time
3. Not doing your part: A fulfilling relationship is mostly self-work. Continuously strive to live consciously, push beyond your upper limit, refine your relationship skills, heal your emotional issues, let go of your need to be in control, heal the past, let go of your parents, bring down defenses, handle your fears, and increase your capacity for unconditional love.

When anything begins to hinder relationship - abolish it!

Building a barrier is a process

1. Building a wall keeps you from experiencing pain and humiliation.
2. Men take action, not talk about their feelings.
3. Men have a less developed vocabulary.
4. Men have trouble naming what they feel.
5. Men are more vague in describing their feelings.
6. Few people are allowed close to their hearts.
7. Men suffer loneliness within the barricades.

Barriers to intimacy may center on:

• Fears of being criticized and rejected, or being engulfed and controlled by your spouse.
• Fear that if others really know you, they won't like you. Their opinion of you becomes more important than even your own.
• You make them your judge and live in fear of being criticized. Afraid of "saying the wrong thing," you'll reveal little about yourselves, stifling the development of intimacy.
• Fear that if you open their life to others, the information you reveal will be used to humiliate, ridicule or embarrass you. You're constantly balancing the desire for closeness against fears of being abandoned or betrayed.

Real maturity shows up in relationships. The strongest marriages and the strongest groups [like peer 2440, Sunday school] are ones that grow through conflict and resolution. Not by pouting, not by covering it up but by dealing honestly with issues.

Genuine friendship is built on disclosure.

Like Adam and Eve you put on fig leaves (barriers) because you have areas you don't want your spouse, or God, to know about.

As soon as they had eaten it, they were given understanding and realized that they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and covered themselves.

Genesis 3:7 (TEV)

Developing friendship with God takes desire, time and energy.

If you want a deeper, more intimate connection with God:

1. I must learn to honesty share my feelings with God
2. I must trust him when he asks me to do something
3. I must learn to care about what he cares about
4. I must desire his friendship more than anything else

Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you.

James 4:8 (NLT)

Intimate friendship with God is a choice, not an accident.

Paul said in Philippians 3:10 (Amplified Version) "My determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly."

You are as close to God as you choose to be.

Commitment

1. What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to my spouse?
2. What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to God?
3. I must choose to be committed
4. I must accept personal responsibility
5. I must choose to remove my barriers
6. I must intentionally choose intimacy with God