Lighthouse Baptist Church
and Christian Academy

God is absolutely clear about this. You must be on the same wave length spiritually in order to have oneness in Christ.

Do not unite yourself with an unbeliever; they are not fit mates for you.

2 Corinthians 6:14

Can a believer share life with an unbeliever?

2 Corinthians 6:15

The answer is obviously "No."

1. I am not free to choose an unbeliever. You cannot commit your life to someone who rejects the savior who died for you and His blood was spilled for you on the cross. It's impossible.
2. I cannot have spiritual oneness with a person who rejects the most important thing in your life - CHRIST. It's impossible. You can't do it.

If you don't have spiritual oneness with the person who is most important to you on this earth, and you're not unified spiritually headed in the same commitment, equally committed to Christ, you will never attain the spiritual, the emotional, or even the sexual intimacy that God has created for you to enjoy. It's not going to happen.

God says do not blatantly choose a person over Him.

God says this for our own benefit. If you want God's best in a life partner - a husband/wife - you should not even consider anybody who isn't equally committed to Christ like you are. If you're moving toward Christ and they're moving toward Christ it naturally brings you together. But otherwise it doesn't.

I know some of you are thinking, "My fiancé/boyfriend/girlfriend is not a Christian so I'm going to try to win them to Christ." Missionary dating. I have seen 5, 6, 7 times that happens, where somebody was won to Christ through a dating relationship. But the odds are stacked against you and you're playing with fire.

When they are a Christian and the other isn't, I say, "You're making a big mistake.

Statistics: Marriage and Divorce magazine's recent national survey, 1 out of every 2½ marriages ends in divorce but when a couple actively attends church together, commits their life to Christ and they pray and read the Bible together the divorce rate drops to 1 out of every 1105. That's the difference Jesus Christ makes.

I've talked to people who say, "I know the Bible says don't marry an unbeliever if you are a believer. I'm praying about it." I say, Stop praying. You're wasting your time.

• Are you asking God to change His mind?
• Are you asking God to contradict what He has already said very clearly in His word and said for your benefit?
• You don't need to pray about it. You just need to do it.

IF YOU WANT GOD'S BEST FOR YOUR LIFE,

That's the second non-negotiable.

Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Amos 3:3

No. Of course not!

Let's say you and I get married and we're walking along together. I want to go north to PA and you want to go south to South Carolina, can we walk together? No. You cannot walk together unless you're headed in the same direction. If you can't walk together, you certainly can't live together intimately for 40 or 50 years if you're headed different directions. It won't work. You're bound to have conflict.

You're not ready to get married until first you have clarified and identified your life purpose.

The Bible teaches that you're not on this earth by accident.

• God put you here on this earth for a purpose.
• He has a life mission for your life that only you can fulfill.
• He has a calling.
• He has a vocation unique for you.
• He has a ministry.
• He has a mission, a reason for your being. It's unique.

One day you'll give an account to God about did you ever fulfill it or not? The tragedy is most people never discover their life purpose.

If God calls you to be a teacher to inner city children in Charleston and God calls your fiance/boyfriend/girlfriend to be a doctor in China and that's their life purpose, you may both be very fine people and you both may be Christians and you both may be in love and like each other and have a lot in common, but you shouldn't marry.

Think of it like this: If your life purpose is a circle here - this is what God wants you to do with your life, you're going to feel most fulfilled when you do your life purpose - Your boyfriend/girlfriend has their life purpose. You have to be honest and ask, "Can these purposes overlap? Can these purposes actually become one?" If not, you ought to seriously doubt whether you ought to get married or not to that person.

I have counseled so many people who are guilt ridden because they knew that God had called them for a unique purpose and given them a ministry, a mission, a purpose - something they're supposed to do with their life - but they made a poor choice in marriage and as a result they had to squelch what God called them to do.

Often it's the woman. They had to squelch what God called them to do because of a incompatibility with a spouse who had a different purpose.

As a result they never felt the fulfillment they were supposed to feel because of what they did. And they regretted in the rest of their life.

In these two areas - spiritual compatibility and life purpose compatibility - God is very adamant and very clear.

• He says these are the parameters from which you must choose a mate from - same spiritual commitment, same life purpose.
• Then He says, "Inside that sphere of My freedom, you're free to choose anybody you like." There could be a number of people that could appropriately be God's will for your life in that situation.

Even if these two areas line up, there's a third one that is very helpful you need to consider.

Notice I said, "It helps". The other two said, "You must have". This one is not commanded by God. Notice there is no verse under this point. There is no verse in the Bible that says, You have to marry somebody who is just like you. It's just smart! The more you have in common, the smoother sailing your marriage is going to be. The more you have not in common, the more rough seas and strife and chaos you're going to go through in order to grow. It's just good common sense.

If you check out your fiance and you find out a bunch of things about them, if you've got a lot of major differences, then you're going to have to have a lot of major adjustments and that causes pain. If you have minor differences between the two of you, then you've just got minor adjustments.

There are hundreds of factors that you need to consider.

If you want to know what your mate is really going to be like in marriage, look at their family situation.

In their family, that's where they learn their:

• Style of communicating.
• Style of conflict resolution.
• Impressions about roles.
• All kinds of things that are going to determine the shape of your marriage.

To marry someone without knowing their family background is foolish. You haven't done your due diligence.

You need to say,

• Do we have a common education level?
• Do we have common intelligence? Verbal skills.
• What are the expected rolls for both people in the family?
• Conflict and how to resolve it?
• The level of ambition - If you get a real ambitious person with somebody who has no ambition you're going to have problems.
• Child rearing views
• The amount of involvement with in-laws
• Desire for verbal intimacy
• The way to handle anger
• Hobby and leisure activities
• Energy level for physical activities
• Sexual drive and sexual interest

You need to talk frankly about these things, in depth and in detail before you make that decision.

I know there are some people on this last one on sexuality would come and say, "You wouldn't go buy a car without taking it for a test drive and kicking the tires a little bit. I'm not marrying anybody that I haven't done a little sexual tire kicking with."

They think that in order to find out compatibility you have to go to bed with somebody before you marry them. I've got a spiritual Greek word for that - Baloney!

Every statistic in America shows that people who live together have a greater chance of divorcing than those who don't. I didn't make that up. There's at least 50 surveys that have proven, people who live together get divorced more often than people who don't before they get married.

God says sex is reserved for marriage.

You don't have to go to bed with somebody to find out about their sexuality.

You've just got to watch and talk and listen and over months it's real obvious that some people love to be touched and cuddled and kissed and hugged and other people don't.

You can look at their family situation and see how open they are about sex and how freely can they talk about it.

In spite of that, these are areas that you can work on in marriage, that you can change in marriage, that you can grow in marriage.

As a pastor, the thing I've discovered is the absolute best marriages and the absolute worst marriages are those where the people are the most different. It can either make you or break you.

It all depends on:

• how much you're willing to grow,
• how much you're willing to change,
• how unselfish you're willing to be and
• whether you're willing to get help or not in that marriage.

Some people let their differences destroy them. Other people take their differences and through that actually grow and become a stronger person by being willing to change themselves.

If you want to get married and if you want God's best in a marriage partner, you need to do five things.

1. You need to begin a relationship with Jesus Christ. That's foundational. If you haven't already said, "Jesus Christ, come into my life. Give me Your forgiveness. Give me Your power. Give me Your love and You plan for my life. Jesus Christ, I want to have a relationship with You." That's the starting point. Get God in your life.

2. Make a commitment to God's standard in a marriage partner. Don't get in a hurry. Don't get impatient. Say, I'm only going to marry somebody who's on equal spiritual plain with me, we're both headed toward Christ and we both have a similar life message, life plan, life purpose. I'm not going to get impatient. I'm not going to sell my soul just for a warm body because I'm lonely. I will wait."

What if I don't wait. What if I take matters into my own hands? Isaiah 50 "Some of you want to light your own fires and make your own life. So go, walk, and trust in your own light to guide you. But this is what you'll receive: A place of pain." You're walking right into a big mistake if you ignore what God has said.

On the other hand, God says in Jeremiah, "I have good plans for you, not to hurt you. I will give you a hope and a good future." Make a commitment to God's standard in a partner.

3. Discover and clarify your life purpose. Listen to the Purpose Driven life tapes. Take class 101, 201, 301. Sit down and begin to work on a life plan. What does God want me to do with my life? Know what direction you're headed.

4. Get involved in a church family or a Christian college where there will be a lot of other people who fit the parameters that God has laid out for you.

If you don't get involved in a church like Lighthouse and get involved in ministry, I'm not just talking about coming to church and then leaving, but get involved in ministry, get to know people, start developing relationships or in a Christian college, if you don't have that your circle of options is going to be pretty small. You're going to have a small fishing pond to choose from.

5. Go slow. Find out all you can about the person, their family background before you commit to marriage.

6. Get pre marital counseling. I will not marry anybody in this church who will not go through pre marital counseling.

Then a book I recommend, Finding the Love of Your Life, by Neil Clark Warren. I would highly recommend this book to any of you who are considering marriage.

Starting March 5th, we're beginning a small group just for you called Lifeline Cafe. We want you to connect with others. We want to help you develop relationships.

If you want to stay single, there's a small group for you already called College and Career.

SPECIFIC GUIDANCE ON BEING SINGLE

If you choose to remain single, here's what the Bible says:

When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God... develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions. If a man has a woman friend to whom he is loyal but never intended to marry, having decided to serve God as a single, and then changes his mind, deciding he should marry her, he should go ahead and marry. It's no sin; it's not even a step down from celibacy, as some say. On the other hand, if a man is comfortable in his decision for a single life in service to God and it's entirely his own conviction and not imposed on him by others, he ought to stick with it. Marriage is spiritually and morally right and not inferior to singleness in any way.

1 Corinthians 7:32-40 (Msg)

You discover your role in life through your relationships with other, both Marriage or Single life is a choice.

1. I need to build a community of people in my life.

You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

James 3:18 (Msg)

Community means having people who are there for you, who care about you, and your life. Many singles feel lonely and disconnected and it affects the quality of their life.

2. I need to invest my life into others.

We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.

1 John 3:16 (GW)

One of the advantages of staying a single adult is you can have undistracted service.

1 Corinthians 7:32-33

3. I need to develop the habit of building deep relationships.

The believers had a single purpose and went to the temple every day. They were joyful and humble as they ate at each other's homes and shared their food.

Acts 2:46 (GW)

Would you pray this prayer in your mind? "Dear God, I want Your best for my life. I sure don't want to mess up any more. From here on out, I want to do it Your way." If you're a single adult, I challenge you to say, "God, Help me to discover my life purpose. Help me to get involved in a church family where I can meet others who'd be in the center of Your will."

If you're married would you say, "God, help me to put You at the center of my marriage. Jesus Christ, help us with the hurts and the areas of difference that we're struggling with. I want to follow You as best as I know how."

If you've never opened your life to Jesus Christ, why don't you do so today. Say, "Jesus Christ, would You please come into my life and my heart, start working a miracle in my life? I need You to forgive me for the things I've done wrong and I want to follow You from this day forward. Please help me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen