Lighthouse Baptist Church
and Christian Academy

Pray about it. Before you go to the other person and talk to them about the problem, discuss it with God. Talk to God about it. This may solve the problem right there.

Many times I've been irritated with Melanie about some issue or there was some conflict in our relationship and I would go to God and pray about it first and either (a) God would change my heart, or (b) God would change her heart without me even having to talk about it. There are so many things that could be smoother in your marriage if you would just pray about it first. Before you start dealing with the issue, before you talk to anybody about the irritation (the problem) talk to God about it and ask God for help.

I challenge you to practice what I call ventilating vertically. Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally but ventilating vertically is when you come to God.

• A good example of this is David in the Psalms. He cries out to God and tells God his heart. "God, I don't like this!
• I don't like what's going on in my life.
• I don't like what's going on in my marriage.
• I don't know what's happening with my kids.
• God! this stinks.
• God, this is rotten!
• I'm mad.
• I hate my enemies. I want them all to die."

God is not shocked. He lets him write it down and we can read it in Psalms. God is not bombarded or blown away by your feelings. He gave you the capacity to feel hurt. When you're hurt He doesn't express surprise. Or when you feel anger or frustration or any other emotion you feel in conflict.

You come to God and say, "Here's how I feel." And you just lay it out.

You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

James 4:2

This is so foundational you have to get this point. Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God Himself can meet in our lives. When you start looking to another person to meet needs that God Himself has said that He is responsible to meet. You're making that person god and you're setting yourself up for massive disappointment and massive bitterness. Nobody can meet all your needs.

One day you stood in front of a bunch of people and you said, "I do." What you were really saying was, "I expect." You weren't thinking at all about what you intended to do and the promises you were going to keep. You were thinking, "Good! All my needs are going to be met now! This person is the answer to my dreams and going to fulfill me in every way. Life is going to be grand from now on because you're going to meet all my needs." There is no person alive who could possibly meet all your needs. No one. Only God can do that.

God says, You quarrel and fight. You have unmet needs because you don't ask God. How do I know when I'm looking to other people instead of God to meet my needs? It's called anger.

Anger is a warning light which says "I'm expecting somebody to meet my needs" and when I have a need for you to be on time and you're late or when I have a need for you to notice me and you don't or when I have a need for any other thing and you don't fulfill it, I get angry.

God says, "Why don't you try talking to Me about it first." "You have not because you do not ask God." Instead of expecting your mate to meet all your needs, God wants you to look to Him. You have not because you don't ask God.

Before I start accusing and attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask,

• "How much of this conflict is my fault?
• How much of this did I instigate?
• Am I the problem?"

I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part.

Advice: To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, when you're wrong admit it. And when you're right shut up!

Be honest. Matthew 7:3 Jesus speaking, "Why do you look at the speck in another's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? Take the log out of your own eye first and you'll be able to see clearly."

Everybody has blind spots.

I need to ask,

• Am I being unrealistic?
• Am I being insensitive?
• Am I being over sensitive?
• Am I being too demanding?
• Am I being ungrateful?

Before I get involved in dealing with you I first need to talk to God and then look at myself and admit what problems I'm bringing in.

The number one excuse for divorce is "We're just incompatible." That has an innocent, no fault air to it. Three of the top leading experts on marriage have to say about the issue of compatibility.

Dr. Paul Tournier, the Swiss psychiatrist who wrote To Understand Each Other: "So called incompatibility is a myth invented by jurists in order to plead for divorce. It is likewise a common excuse for people to hide their own weaknesses and failings. Misunderstandings and mistakes can be corrected when there is a willingness to do so. The problem is the lack of complete frankness." And I'd add inflexibility.

Dr. Paul Popineau, director of the institute of Family Relations said, "I don't believe in incompatibility. I don't believe it exists. Almost any two people are compatible if they try to be." Your marriage is what you make it.

Dr. Arch Hart, says, "If people can be divorced for incompatibility, I cannot conceive why all of us are not divorced."

Marriage is a life long process of overcoming your differences. The Bible says, "If we say we are without sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." Each of us has an infinite capacity for self deception. I can blame you for all my problems. But the fact is, it's not incompatibility. It's selfishness and an unwillingness to change. Let's call it what it is.

When people split up over differences it's because either one or both are selfish and unwilling to change. That's not some innocent thing. It's a major issue. And you will carry that selfishness and unwillingness to change into the next relationship whatever it might be.

A sit down, face the issues meeting or meetings (usually it takes more than one).

Conflict is seldom resolved accidentally. It must be dealt with intentionally. It must be deliberately dealt with.

Conflict does not resolve itself. It just doesn't get better by itself.

Conflict gets worse when you leave it alone. Hearts grow hardened and positions get solidified. And bridges get broken down beyond repair. So you have to intentionally deal with the conflict.

The Bible is very specific about this. Matthew 5 Jesus says, "If you remember that someone has something against you leave your gift at the altar and go at once to make peace. Then come back and offer your gift to God."

If you're at church and you're getting ready to give your offering and you remember that you've got a conflict with somebody, you need to go get that right first. It is impossible to worship with bitterness in your heart. It is impossible to worship God when you have unresolved conflict with others. The Bible says, "How can you say you love God when you hate your brother."

For that reason, Satan loves to try to get you into a conflict before you get to church. Do you ever have conflicts in your car coming to church? That's his favorite time to get you into a conflict. Melanie and I solved that. We come in separate cars. We don't ever have conflicts coming to church any more. You cannot worship God with conflict in your heart.

The Bible says in 1 Peter that disharmony with your husband or your wife hinders your prayers. When you have a strained relationship with your spouse, the Bible says your prayers are hindered. You say, "How come God doesn't answer my prayers?" Maybe you need to go get something right with your husband/wife first.

God says this is how important it is, how important conflict resolution is.

When you come to church and you're getting ready to give your offering, and you remember that somebody has something against you (maybe you haven't done anything to them) leave your offering, go get it right and then come back to worship.

Jesus says don't ignore it. Deal with the issue while you can deal with it. It doesn't matter if you are the offended person or if you are the offender. Either way God says you take the initiative. The ball is in your court.

If you've got something wrong with somebody else or they've got something wrong with you, God says you go to them.

When? At once, it says.

•As soon as possible.

•You don't delay.

•You don't postpone. Postponed conflict only gets worse.

Another verse in the Bible says "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." I think that means 24 hours would be a maximum amount of time that you would let something go unresolved. It festers and it turns into bitterness. You need to do it as soon as possible.

Because this is so important, let me give you some practical steps on how to do a peace conference:

1. You need to choose the right time. When you're trying to make a peace conference with somebody, first choose the right time. Timing is everything when you're dealing with sensitive issues. You don't, as you're walking out the door to go to something, drop a bomb. Or just as you're nodding off to sleep. Timing is everything.

When is the best time to have a peace conference? The best time is when you are both at your best.

When you're:

• not tired,
• not hurried,
• not rushed.
• When you can think about it.
• Choose a time.
• You may have to schedule it.

This could be your homework: Schedule a peace conference this week to deal with something in your relationship, in your marriage that hasn't been dealt with. You both come to it being rested and ready.

2. You need to choose the right place. A place where you can be alone, uninterrupted, where kids are not running through. You may have to farm them out to the neighbors. Take the phone off the hook so that you are uninterrupted.

Do not try to resolve conflict in bed. Reserve that for other things. What happens is, any man on his back for five minutes is going to fall asleep. So here's the wife who's been thinking about the problem all day and she has finally figured out what's wrong with the marriage and she going on, telling you all the details, but as she goes on and on and as she comes to the great grand finale about what you need to do about it she pauses for breath and she hears snoring! It puts a chill in the air. It's downhill from there.

Do not try to do a peace conference in bed.

I would suggest that you pray before meeting. Your marriage may be on the edge of divorce right now. You may be throwing darts of hatred at each other. You can't even stand to look at each other at this point.

But I would suggest that before you have the conference, you sit down, hold hands (if you can) and you pray. You ask God to give you wisdom in the peace conference so that you will say the right thing and not say it in the wrong way and be misunderstood.

3. You need to come with a positive attitude. You plan a peace conference not with your list of 50 things they're wrong about and you're going to blow them away and tell them how bad they are.

You come ready to:

• reconcile,
• compromise,
• figure out
• listen to the other person's side.

You take the initiative. God says, you go to that person. Why should you go to that person if they hurt you? Because Jesus says so, that's why. Jesus says so.

• You show some maturity.
• You be the mature one in the relationship and
• You take the initiative to plan or convene a peace conference.

Learn how to attack the issues without attacking each other. You have to establish some ground rules for fighting fair.

• You need to agree to eliminate certain inflammatory phrases and terms and threats.
• You should never use the threat of divorce in your marriage. There are things that should be off limits.

The Bible says in Ephesians 4 "Do not use harmful words but only helpful words the kind that build up and provide what is needed." We have to communicate in love. Otherwise we do more harm than good.

When we used to have the Cold War with the Communist countries, we used to do things called Arms Reduction Treaties. Even though we were bitter enemies, we would agree to not use certain weapons. Nuclear arms were out of bounds. We will not use them if you will not use them. Even in the heat of battle, in wartime, civilized countries will agree that certain weapons are out of bounds because they will destroy both sides. So we say we're not going to use biological warfare or we're not going to use mustard gas or we're not going to use flame throwers. Even though we're fighting a battle, we will agree that some weapons are too deadly, too devastating to be used in the fight.

In your marriage, you need to do the same thing. You need to agree to eliminate certain deadly verbal tools - weapons in your conference.

The Bible is very specific about what you are not to use in a conflict.

You must put away all these things - furious rage, malice, insults, and shouted abuse. Don't deceive each other with lies anymore.

Colossians 3:8 (Phillips)

He gives us five things:

First out of bounds is furious rage. That means you're not allowed to intimidate with anger. You must not overwhelm somebody with anger - furious rage.

He says, put away malice - saying things just to intentionally hurt, to intentionally wound, to intentionally destroy. Like the threat of divorce. Pushing hot buttons you know are there.

You are not to use insults - belittling or labeling or judging or insulting remarks.

You're not to use shouted abuse - literally, in Greek, that word means no foul mouth, no vulgarity, no obscenities, no profanity.

God knows how you talk to your mate. He knows. The Bible says we will give account for every idle word. I am going to give an account for every idle word that I've said in anger or hatred. And you will too. The Bible says no profanity, no vulgarity, no foul language.

I don't have any respect for a man who cusses at his wife. Little men belittle their wives. And vice versa. That's out of bounds.

And then he says, no lying. Tell the truth. Don't deceive each other with lies any more.

Sometimes we lie without even knowing it. We lie when we use the phrase "always" and "never". "You always..." That's not true. They could probably think of that one time and then you spend the next thirty minutes talking about that one time. "You never..." and that's not true. Because you can find at least one example when they didn't do it that way. So eliminate the "always" and "nevers".

The point of telling the truth is say what you mean. If you don't like the way your spouse is not paying attention to you, you don't criticize the way they cook. You don't use a side issue. You deal with the issue that's troubling you, not something else. "Our sexual relationship is not really the way I want it to be so I'm going to argue about your not mowing the lawn." Deal with it.

And don't play mind reader. This is a favorite game among marriage partners. "You know..." No, I don't. "You know what I'm upset about." No, I don't. "If you loved me, you'd know!" Don't play mind reader. Say what you mean and be clear and accurate.

You never get your point across by being cross. And you're never persuasive when you're abrasive. You have to learn how to argue without assassinating. You have to learn to speak the truth in love.

Some of you need to go home today and ask forgiveness from your husband/wife and say,

• Let's make this stuff out of bounds from now on.
• It's hurting us too bad.
• It's killing us too much.
• We've got to agree that there are some weapons that are out of bounds.
• The kind of sarcastic remarks that always gets to me/you are out of bounds.

No matter how angry we are at each other, we're going to fight fair. We're going to speak the truth in love."

• Not just look at my own viewpoint, my own situation. But I have to look at your viewpoint. This is very difficult because it's not natural.
• It is not natural for me to look at life from Melanie's viewpoint.
• It is not natural for me to look at life from your viewpoint.

This requires an intentional shift where I have to change the focus from looking at my needs to looking at your needs. It takes God to do that. It is a mental shift that we do not do naturally. But it's the secret of resolving conflict.

The secret of resolving conflict is understanding where people are coming from.

• When you understand where people are coming from it's so much easier.
• When you understand their background, their temperament, their family of origin issues,
• when you understand the way God shaped them,
• when you understand their giftedness,
• when you understand male/female differences,
• when you understand cultural differences, age differences, and on and on.

All these things combined - the better you understand somebody, the less conflict you're going to have with them because you know how to deal with them.

How do you learn to understand them? Listen. Listen more than you talk. This again, is not easy for many of us. Your natural ability is to talk.

Some of us get so anxious to make our point, to tell our side, to defend ourselves, that we don't even stop to listen to what the other person is saying or even consider what the problem is or what they're saying from their point of view.

It's like the old cliché "We must seek to understand before seeking to be understood."

There are two areas in a marriage, in particular, that you need to be consider of. Romans 15 tells us "We must bear the burden of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others."

The reason is because they look so silly to us. My doubts and my fears are all reasonable, logical and make perfectly good sense. Your fears are irrational, illogical and stupid. We don't understand each other. So we downgrade, blow away other people's doubts and fears.

The Bible says in Philippians 2:4 "Look to each other's interest and not merely your own." The word in Greek is scopos. It's like a scope on a rifle. Or a microscope. It means pay attention.

You are most like Christ when you do this, when you ask, "What are her/his needs and how can I meet them?" When you're angry, you're preoccupied with yourself. But when you're like Christ, you look to each other's interest and not merely your own.

One of the most powerful peace making statements is when you say to your husband/wife, "I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself." When they wake up from a faint, you can probably then get started on the road to recovery in the relationship.

There's a very important difference. Reconciliation means to re-establish the relationship. Resolution means to resolve every issue. We come to agreement on everything. We are of one mind in every area. That's not going to happen.

You'll discover there are some things you're never going to agree on.

• I don't care if you both love the Lord,
• you're both committed Christians,
• you're both dramatically in love with each other,
• there are some things you're never going to agree on simply for the fact that God has wired us differently.

We see life differently. It's not a matter of right or wrong. It's a matter simply of perspective. It's like looking at a diamond from a different angle. If you try to bring everything into agreement in your life, you're going to bat your head against the wall for the rest of your life.

You're not going to agree with everything your mate believes or thinks. But you can disagree without being disagreeable. That's called wisdom.

The Bible says in James 3 "Wisdom is peace loving and courteous. It allows discussion and it is willing to yield to others." The Bible says it's wise to compromise.

• You can have unity without uniformity.
• You can walk hand in hand without seeing eye to eye.
• You can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue.
• You can disagree without being disagreeable.

When you focus on reconciliation (which is the relationship) the issues become secondary in importance and sometimes really don't matter that much.

Some of you are worn out from the conflict in your marriage because you're stuck and you don't know how to get on with it. You want to give in and throw in the towel and I want to say Don't do it! It is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than it is to dissolve a relationship.

So your homework is to schedule a peace conference.

Let me close with a couple of suggestions:

1. Some of you may need to get some professional help. When your back goes out you go to a back doctor. You don't feel embarrassed by that. You don't feel intimidated by that. You're not ashamed. If you have feet problems, you go to a podiatrist. If you have medical problem, you go to a medical doctor. When you've got a financial problem, you get some help from a CPA or a financial planner. You're not ashamed of that. You're not embarrassed by it. If you've got a legal issue, you don't try to solve it on your own. You go get legal advice. You get an attorney.

When you have a relational problem, there's nothing wrong with getting someone who's a relational professional, someone who knows more than you do about how relationships work. You don't know how they all work. None of us do. Go get some Christian, godly counseling. We have dozens of Christian counselors in this church that can help you. I can't tell you how many marriages could have been saved from divorce if they would have just gone and got some help. Many marriages are miserable and they go year after with the same old problems, because they're just too proud to go get help.

When people say to me "We can't afford counseling" I say, You can't afford not to get it. If your marriage is in shambles, what are you willing to pay to save it? What are you willing to do to keep a stable home for your kids. If you have to take out a loan, do it. It's far better than taking out a loan on a car and you do that all the time. A car is going to die after seven or eight years. If it took you twenty years to pay it off but it saved your marriage, it's worth it.

I can't tell you how many times I've talked with couples and said, "Why don't you get some help?" and the man goes, "I don't need any counseling! I can handle this. Who do you think I am?" I'll tell you what you are! You're chicken! You're a coward. You're afraid to face your past, you're afraid to face your feelings, and you're afraid to face your faults. And that's nothing to be proud of.

You may have a cool exterior on the outside but you're just kidding yourself. You have to decide at some point, "Do I want to pretend I've got a good marriage or do I want to have a good marriage?" It takes maturity and humility and honesty to ask for help when you need it so you can get unstuck.

Some of you say, "What if my mate won't go?" You can go. At least you can go and grow yourself. If your mate refuses to grow, at least you can grow. Don't go to just anybody. Get somebody who's a godly counselor who builds their counseling practice on God's word, because it's reliable.

2. The other thing you need to do is it's going to take some help from God. You can't do this on your own. I've seen these steps work. But you need Christ's power to work them. Commit your life to Christ. If you haven't done that, you're in conflict with God. When you're in conflict with God, conflict with others in inevitable. But when you make peace with God, all of a sudden you can make peace with other people.

Then look what happens: "Let the peace of heart that comes from Christ always be present in your hearts." God's peace will produce a peace in your heart that will allow you to begin to have peace with others. Many marriage conflicts would be solved overnight if both the husband and the wife would kneel before their maker and say to Jesus Christ, "We humble ourselves and humbly ask You to make this thing work. We submit our egos to You and our hurts to You. Jesus Christ, do what only You can do."

Say Yes to Jesus Christ and invite Him to be a part of your life and marriage. Pray this prayer, "Dear God, I'm calling on You for help today. I know I have not because I ask not. Forgive me for looking to other people to meet needs that only You can meet. I want to confess my part of the conflict. Help me to get the problems in my life and the beam in my eye out so I can see clearly. Give me the courage to convene a peace conference. Help us as a couple to establish some guidelines, some ground rules and to cut out abusive language. Help me, God, to consider my mate's perspective, to not just see life from my viewpoint, to be considerate of the doubts and fears and interests of others. Help us to concentrate on reconciliation not necessarily resolution in every area. I need Your help to do this. Christ, come into my life and marriage and make it what You want it to be. In Your name I pray. Amen."