Parenting Preschoolers
Am I A Good Parent Series
June 11, 2006

The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.
Denis Waitly

Parents often ask themselves many of these questions:

  1. Am I a good parent?
  2. Did I do what was best for my child in that situation?
  3. Will the way I parent help our relationship grow or drive my child away?
  4. Is there a better way to get my child to act responsibly and still feel good about myself as a parent?

Eve bore a son and said, "By the Lord's help I have gotten a son." So she named him Cain.

Genesis 4:1 (TEV)

Without any parenting help, books to read on raising a child, or experience, Adam and Eve raised a son.

Cain:

  1. Worships in self-will
  2. Is angry with God
  3. Refuses to bring a sin offering
  4. Murders his brother
  5. Lies to God
  6. Refused to accept responsibility for his deed
  7. Becomes a wanderer

What influences a child to live in defiance most of his life?

Studies have been done to determine what parents can do to raise children to be happy, well-adjusted, respectful adults.

A parent's job is not to raise children to remain children any more than a farmer would plant a seed to raise a seed. The farmer plants seeds and nurtures them; provides the best soil, nutrients and growing conditions possible; and expects to grow sturdy, productive plants.

A parent's job is to provide the best growing conditions possible and expect each child will eventually grow into a responsible adult.

The parenting style you choose will make a difference in the life of your child. People often will use the same discipline and nurturing patterns their parents used. Other times, people will make a conscious effort to use a very different style than their parents used.

Three Parenting Styles and Characteristics and Resulting Child Characteristics

AUTHORITARIAN PARENT

RESULTING CHILD CHARACTERISTICS

Do what I say!

Unable to initiate an activity

Control is a major issue

Has difficulty making friends

I am the Boss

Poor communication skills

Rigid rules

Coercive, sneaky

Children aren't asked, they are told

Demanding

Demands respect through fear

Unsympathetic

Ignores feelings of children and others and their own point of view

Withdrawn, Lacks inner controls

May use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperation

Complies or defies

Little verbal exchange

Lonely, Scared

Makes all decisions

Poor self-image

AUTHORITATIVE PARENT

RESULTING CHILD CHARACTERISTICS

Power is shared

Socially competent

Sets rules and limits, but children have choices within limits

Responsible

Shows loving firmness

Trustworthy

Recognizes normal stages of growing up

High self-esteem

Fosters self-control in children by not bribing or punishing

Cooperative

Corrects misbehavior by talking about feelings, expectations, and what to do instead

Strong sense of self-discipline

Parents are warm, firm, and involved in their child's changing needs, they use reasoning, persuasion to gain compliance. They explain rules, discuss issues, and encourage verbal give and take, encourage independent thinking and are respectful of opposing points of view.

Determined

Parents set realistic standards, state clear rules, and provide their children with opportunities to feel competent and worthy

Develops positive relationship with family, friends, and others

Parents are willing to assert their authority and make demands to gain compliance. Enforcing rules fairly and rationally, these parents gain their child's respect and acceptance on their parental authority.

Well adjusted, has positive self-concepts, and socially and academically competent. They are the least likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse or vandalism.

PERMISSIVE PARENT

RESULTING CHILD CHARACTERISTICS

"Do you want to?"

Lacks self-control

Won't accept power

Confused

Not involved in children's lives

Low self-esteem

Feels has no right to limit child's behavior

Discouraged

They have difficulty with authority figures

Defines limits yet wants and needs them

Highly involved with children

No self-control

No rules

Lacks social skills and responsibility

No demands or expectations

No inner controls or self-discipline

Will use guilt to gain compliance

They tend to not establish rules of conduct or set rules that are below those that the child can meet.

Children emulate their parent's emotional expressiveness, communication styles, and relationship skills.

His wife Rebekah was very beautiful, and the men of that place asked Isaac about her. Isaac said, "She is my sister," because he was afraid to tell them she was his wife. He thought they might kill him so they could have her.

Genesis 26:7 (NCV)

Where did Isaac learn that trick? He learned it from his father Abraham!

At that time there was a severe famine in the land, so Abram went down to Egypt to wait it out. [11] As he was approaching the borders of Egypt, Abram said to Sarai, "You are a very beautiful woman. [12] When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife. Let's kill him; then we can have her!' [13] But if you say you are my sister, then the Egyptians will treat me well because of their interest in you, and they will spare my life."

[14] And sure enough, when they arrived in Egypt, everyone spoke of her beauty.

Genesis 12:10-14 (NLT)

Abraham did it again!

Abraham moved to the Southern Desert…while there [2] he told everyone that his wife Sarah was his sister. So King Abimelech of Gerar had Sarah brought to him. [3] But God came to Abimelech in a dream and said, "You have taken a married woman, and for this you will die!" [4-5] Abimelech said to the Lord, "Don't kill me! I haven't slept with Sarah. Didn't they say they were brother and sister? I am completely innocent."

Genesis 20:1-4 (CEV)

Parents, here's the point!

  1. You help shape the world's future by the way you shape your children's values.
  2. The first step toward helping children live rightly is for the parents to live rightly.
  3. Your actions are often copied by those closest to you.

2 Questions
What kind of example are you setting for your children?
What does God say on "How should I parent my child?"

1. I am to instruct my child to have a relationship with God

Solomon, my son, worship God and obey him with all your heart and mind, just as I have done. He knows all your thoughts and your reasons for doing things, and so if you turn to him, he will hear your prayers. But if you ignore him, he will reject you forever.

1 Chron. 28:9 (CEV)

You have been taught the holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus.

2 Tim. 3:15 (NLT)

2. I am to encourage my child to follow wisdom

For I, too, was once a son, tenderly loved by my mother as an only child, and the companion of my father. [4] He told me never to forget his words. "If you follow them," he said, "you will have a long and happy life. [5] Learn to be wise," he said, "and develop good judgment and common sense! I cannot overemphasize this point." [6] Cling to wisdom--she will protect you. Love her - she will guard you.

[7] Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do! And with your wisdom, develop common sense and good judgment... [11]I would have you learn this great fact: that a life of doing right is the wisest life there is.

Proverbs 4:3-11 (Living)

3. I am to teach my child to make their own choices

Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right.

Proverbs 22:6 (CEV)

The old sinful nature loves to do evil, which is just opposite from what the Holy Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite from what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, and your choices are never free from this conflict.

Galatians 5:17 (NLT)

Preschoolers are beginning to learn social behavior

*They tend to be energetic, self-centered, and lost in their own world.

*They have toilet accidents, and become constipated because they are so busy and have no interest in stopping play for a rest-room break.

*They need help or reminding them for the same thing over and over again.

*They learn to:

  1. Pick up their toys
  2. Come in for lunch
  3. Clean their room
  4. Putt away their clothes or belongings
  5. Dawdling or fighting with other children
  6. Roughhouse
  7. Use words and skills

You give your child power everyday by letting them make choices and take responsibility. Treating them with respect and support their feelings as they learn to deal with their power and all the influences in their lives.

4. I am to teach my child important lessons I've learned

Preschoolers are at the very beginning of their moral development. Parents must encourage their children in positive ways by modeling the behaviors they expect.

Using the excuse that adults have earned the privilege of using swear words, sarcasm, spitting, back talk, stealing, and having a temper tantrum adds years of adult heart ache to come.

*Punishing a child for behaviors which you practice is poor parenting.

Helping a child figure out what needs correcting and how the solution might be handled differently next time, is long lasting and effective.

5 Common Issues

a. Spitting

Some children spit to get attention, and for some it gives them power.

If the child is playing copycat, perhaps the offending adult will stop or at least show the child where they do spit, like in the bathroom when brushing their teeth. Not just to show off.

b. Swearing

Preschoolers are fascinated by words and their own growing vocabulary. Preschoolers repeat what they hear from home, and other friends. Teach more appropriate words and address unacceptable words once or twice. Explain why you don't allow that kind of talk.

Rule of thumb - anyone of low character can use swear words. Use words that build up one another and encourage. It's easy to use repetitive words that require little vocabulary memorization.

c. Back Talk

When parents spend time teaching their children the fine art of negotiation, problem solving, and decision making they are less likely to witness open defiance, No, You can't make me, I don't want to, etc.

Key: Let your child have the last word. When he/she sees getting the last word is not important to you, he/she won't fight for it either.

d. Stealing

Stealing is common with preschoolers because their desires are more powerful than their self-control. Temptation is too great when finding a special pen in Mom's bag or nickels on Dad's dresser.

Instead of harsh punishment or long lectures, put appealing valuables away. Reinforce "asking" before "borrowing" or "taking." Talk to your child about being responsible without ridiculing or yelling about their behavior.

Preschoolers need to experiment and to see cause and effect in action.

e. Temper Tantrums

These happen to children between ages 2 and 6, usually peaking in 2 or 3. Children this age demand independence from their parent and are too immature to figure out another way to get what they want and have more determination than self-control.

Preschoolers may:

  1. Be testing out a wide range of emotions to see what words in which situation
  2. Need an adult's attention
  3. Have a tantrum when they don't get what they want
  4. Rebel against something they don't want to do
  5. Feel they have little power or control in the situations
  6. Use tantrums as a defense to get others to leave them alone
  7. Be frustrated over not being able to communicate their needs.

Parents need to observe when and how often tantrums occur. What events led up to the meltdown?

Parents need to teach their child how to negotiate, problem solve, and use words instead of actions to get what they want. Give words for their feelings and choices for their actions.

Tantrums happen in the most inconvenient place.

AT HOME - talk your child through what they are feeling. You may need to hold your child, reassure your child you're nearby, or help your child. When the child is through with the tantrum, talk about what to do next time instead of the tantrum.

OUT IN PUBLIC - If you embarrass easily, or the child is tantruming for attention, find a quiet corner or restroom, where you can help the child finish the tantrum.

AT CHILD CARE - Temper tantrums are witnessed daily by caregivers as parents attempt to leave for the day and again at pick up time. Children know it's sad to see their parent go, so parents give more time for grief reactions each day and help your child engage in some kind of new activity.

5. I am to show and tell my children they are loved.

Feelings of self-esteem can be greatly improved by really listening to your child and recognizing his/her feelings. All feelings need to be accepted.

Make eye contact, tell them what you feeling you see in their face and ask them if this is correct. When parents value their child and accept and love their talents, they build confidence in themselves and are better able to develop skills that attract friends and maintain successful friendships.

Let's pray

God, raising children is hard work. Help me to raise my child by your principles. I will instruct my child to have a relationship with you. I will encourage my child to follow wisdom. I will teach my child to make their own choices. I will teach my child important lesions I've learned and I will show and tell my children they are loved. In Jesus' name. Amen.