Adolescence
Am I a Good Parent - Part 2
Gerry White

God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes... not the latest message, but more like the oldest - what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us

1 Corinthians 2:7 (MSG)

Stereotypes of adolescents

  1. They struggle to become their own persons.
  2. They challenge adult authority.
  3. They request or demand more freedom.
  4. They resent the sometimes intrusive monitoring of the behavior by their parents.
  5. They desire more privacy.
  6. They experience fluctuating hormone levels that give rise to emotional arousal.
  7. They can be awkward, lazy, spoiled, materialistic, disrespectful, confused, promiscuous, moody, arrogant, manipulative, passionate, obnoxious, innocent, opinionated, irresponsible, idealistic, vulnerable, cynical, rebellious, secretive, conforming, antisocial, narrow-minded, and just plain difficult.

Not all adolescents are alike, some stereotypes contradict each other, and they are not accurate.

Definition: An adolescent is the life period that begins with the onset of puberty and the shift to middle school and ends when an individual is economically self-sufficient and has taken on several adult roles.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16 (NLT)

In adolescence: a time of one's first kiss, first dance, first job, first date, first crush, and first love. A teenager is confronted with the 'real thing' for the first time.

9 Common Concerns of Adolescents

  1. Getting along with family members
  2. One's appearance
  3. Rejection from peers
  4. Peer Pressure
  5. Parental divorce
  6. Academic failure
  7. Getting into College
  8. Preparing for the future
  9. Being a victim of crime

Serious Life problems

  1. Suffering through their parent's separation and divorce.
  2. A threatened sense of security, an event which will darken their character, or face embarrassment.
  3. Participating in a high-risk activity that could jeopardize their health or survival, like: alcohol, drugs, weapons, vehicles, unsafe sexual practices, and sexual exploitation.

Adolescents go through a series of changes

  1. Social and Emotional Changes: Adolescents begin to distance themselves from their parents, embrace their peers and adopt more gender-typed behavior; more moodiness and irritability.
  2. Cognitive change and Moral Development: Around the ages of 11-12 years, adolescents begin to shift away from concrete, black and white thinking and display more flexible reasoning and problem solving strategies; distinguishing between what is real and what is not real and what is possible and what is not possible. They can take into account situational factors that affect decision making. They are better able to weigh the consequences of their actions
  3. Life Changes and role Transitions: They handle family conflict, become more self-regulating, exploring a variety of ways of acting and thinking, inhabiting a wider social world, forming close relationships with peers, and eventually separating from their family and becoming self-sufficient.

Parenting Teenagers

The secret is to adapt your parenting style to modern times. You need to learn more about the world your child lives in, and the psychological reasons for their behavior. Once you do so, you will be better able to set boundaries, and learn how to encourage proper teen behavior.

How do you parent an adolescent?

A. Don't pretend to adjust

Most parents learn how to adjust their parenting practices, especially their level of control, so that they respond according to their child's current developmental status and needs.

Something to ponder - Adolescents function best in environments that take into account their developmental needs, including their desire for greater participation in decision making, their need for emotional support and understanding, and their self-consciousness.

But when Pharaoh saw that the rain and the hail and the thunder had ceased, he sinned once more and hardened his heart, he and his officials.

Exodus 9:34 (NRSV)

B. God's presence in my life helps me handle change

Parents adjust to adolescent changes providing a strong base for the testing and consolidation of changes in their adolescent's abilities, values, beliefs, self-esteem, and character development within family life.

Then the Kohathites, who carried the holy things, set out; and the tabernacle was set up before their arrival.

Numbers 10:21 (NRSV)

3 Ways to loose credibility in your child's eyes

  1. Reduced closeness with parents
  2. Increased conflict
  3. More time spent alone in one's room

C. Interest and Reliability are needed in my communication

Adopt a style of communication that lets your adolescent know that they can be trusted and you are interested in mutual dialogue. Share your own experiences and encourage your adolescent to examine their own motives and personality.

Something to ponder - Close relationships between adolescents and their parents are the rule, not the exception.

An unreliable messenger stumbles into trouble, but a reliable messenger brings healing.

Proverbs 13:17 (NLT)

Two Primary Communication Styles

Open/Positive

Closed/Unproductive

1.

Attacking the problem

Attacking the person

2.

Eye contact and full attention

Body language that shows uninterested and divided attention/distraction

3.

Listening

Interrupting

4.

Focusing on the positive

Focusing on the negative

5.

Consistency over time

Mixed messages

6.

Available and open to discussion

Unavailable and not open to discussion
  1. Attack the problem, not the person: When confronting unhealthy behaviors in adolescents, it is important to separate your disapproval of the behavior from how you feel about him or her. Personal attacks will be met with defensiveness and not solutions.
  2. Give the person you are speaking with your full attention: Try to give your adolescent your undivided attention whenever possible, especially when discussing an important issue. This communicates respect and shows that what he or she has to say is important to you. Being distracted suggests a lack of interest, sometimes even disrespect, and may discourage your child from coming to you in the future.
  3. Listen without interrupting: At times just listening is the best form of communication. Clarifying what your adolescent has said before responding demonstrates that you understand what they are saying and are interested in their point of view. Interrupting your adolescent when you don't agree shows disrespect and may teach that this behavior is appropriate.
  4. Focus on the positive whenever possible: "Catch" your adolescent doing something right. Focusing on positive behavior reinforces it, builds confidence, and keeps lines of communication open. Constant correction and criticism without the balance of praise and compliments makes a child feel defeated and discouraged.
  5. Give consistent, clear messages: Responding consistently over time provides security. However, inconsistent or unclear messages make it difficult for your adolescent to understand what is expected and can encourage arguments or manipulation.
  6. Be available: In order to establish good communication with your adolescent you must make time for interaction. For example, eating meals together on a regular basis creates an opportunity to communicate. Adolescents whose parents are constantly unavailable may believe their parents are also uninterested. They may act out in order to get parental attention- because negative attention is better than none.

D. I need to compliment their abilities, achievements, and decision making.

Praise from parents is especially meaningful because it is based on accomplishment or personal qualities rather than kinship.

Good people enjoy the positive results of their words.

Proverbs 13:2 (NLT)

The advice of the wise is like a life-giving fountain... A person with good sense is respected.

Proverbs 13:14-15 (NLT)

E. God wants me to enjoy using the shape he has given me.

View your adolescents increasing independence not as a loss of parental authority but as an opportunity to spend more time pursuing other avenues of satisfaction.

Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else.

Galatians 6:4 (NLT)

Prayer: You pray with me, God, I must confess, raising an adolescent is hard work. Help me to adapt my parenting style, set boundaries, and learn how to encourage my teenager to model good behavior. Help me not to pretend to make adjustments, add interest and reliability in my communication, compliment their abilities, achievements, and decision making by keeping you in the center of my life. In Jesus' name. Amen.