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Adolescents in Families
Adolescence Series, Part 2

During the early teenage years, adolescents' and parents' feelings about each other become more intense. They report fewer positive and more negative emotions when they are in each other's company.

In a national poll of 1,055 teenagers, taken in 1994 by the New York Times and CBS News, 40% of those polled claimed that their parents sometimes or often did not make time to help them. They said, their parents did not spend much time with them or communicate well with them.

Adolescents generally view family events and interactions more negatively than their parents do.

Adolescents say:

How can I become more independent when I'm constantly being told what to do?
How do I learn to make good decisions if I'm never given the opportunity?

Parents say:

How do I maintain my authority while supporting my child's desire for more freedom?

Here's the point: Overly controlling and inconsistent parenting is associated with less motivation to get better grades in school, lower self-esteem, misconduct, and greater vulnerability to peer influence during adolescence.

Isaac loved Esau because he hunted the wild animals that Isaac enjoyed eating. But Rebekah loved Jacob.

Genesis 25:28 (NCV)

Inconsistent parenting affects your adolescents behavior.

Adolescence function best in environments that take into account their:

1. Developmental needs [their ability, values, beliefs, self-esteem, and character]
2. Desire for greater participation in decision making within the family context
3. Their need for emotional support, understanding, and self-control

Relationships with Mothers

1. Mothers are the primary caregivers in most families. They spend more time with their children than fathers do and usually are more in tune with their children's emotional needs.
2. Mothers are usually seen as being more understanding, open, and accepting than fathers.
3. Mothers report that their need to feel close to their adolescent children and to enjoy their company often goes unfulfilled.
4. Adolescents report that their relationships with their mothers are more satisfying and view their mother as more interested in their day to day lives than their fathers.
5. Feeling close to one's mother appears to be a better predictor of positive adolescent outcomes than any other factor. However, mothers are usually more invested in the parenting role, they receive the brunt of adolescent wrath.

Relationships with Fathers

1. Fathers try to be warm, and available, at least from their children's viewpoint, however, fathers become less accepting, more demanding and less interested in the details of their children's daily lives.
2. Fathers of teenagers usually are preoccupied with their careers and are less aware than mothers of their children's school work and social lives.
3. When fathers do spend time with their children, many fathers prefer to stay in role (authority figure, problem solver) rather than be in relationship (expressing interest by asking questions and listening).
4. Dad might be having a good time telling stories or giving a driving lesson, but the teenager is not always enjoying the experience.
5. Most fathers view themselves as an assistant. They prefer to assist the mother-child relationship.
6. Fathers usually feel closer to their daughters than their daughters feel to them.

Adolescent's complain:

1. An absence of sharing their emotions with their fathers.
2. Fathers seem more distant
3. Most know their father loves them, but they feel closer to their mothers.
4. Boys and girls report that their mother knows them well and treats them fairly, but many girls report that their fathers do not.

Samuel [had two] sons Joel, and, Abijah. They... didn't take after him; they were out for what they could get for themselves, taking bribes, corrupting justice.

1 Samuel 8:1-3 (MSG)

Here's the point - Adolescent's give greater amounts of self-disclosure, co-operation, and acceptance of parents values when they have deeper intimate relationships with their parents.

Testimony: [19 year old female]

"My father still sees me as a little girl. I'll always be a little girl to him. A lot of things that I do, I do for my father. Not exactly the best reason. I think that's one of the reasons I'm such a perfectionist. Everything I accomplish, I accomplish for his approval. My father holds me on a pedestal. Everything I do is so I don't fall off the pedestal. My mother I can tell things that I shouldn't have done. I would never tell my father."

Can you predict how parent's will react to their adolescent?

The more adolescents requests or demand control, it increases existing family and marital tensions.

Some parent's interpret their adolescents increasing desire for control as disobedience, or a lack of respect for parental authority. Rather than being more flexible, parents become increasingly restrictive and disapproving.

HELP TO PARENTS: Explain your expectancies to your adolescent and help them reason through your expectancies.

When adolescents violate your expectancies, it causes major heated family discussions.

Autonomy is [control]

1. The ability to behave independently or to do things on their own
2. Greater levels of self-determination in thinking, feeling, and behavior
3. They do not depend on others to satisfy their basic needs or to tell them how to behave.
4. They select the clothes they wear
5. They decide what kind of music to listen to
6. They decide how to spend their money
7. They decide who their friends will be

Esau married Judith,... which turned out to be thorns in the sides of Isaac and Rebekah.

Genesis 26:34-35 (MSG)

Parental Issue: CONTROL VERSUS LETTING GO

Do parents hit because their children misbehave or do children misbehave because their parents hit them?

Some parents: slap, spank, or yell, or hit their adolescent.

In a study in 1993, found half of adolescents were hit by their parents. Those who were struck, said they were struck an average of six to eight times a year. Boys are hit more frequently than girls.

What's the affect of hitting your adolescent?

1. Hostile feelings about parents
2. Mothers and adolescents argue about personal maters, clothes, and choice of friends
3. Fathers and adolescents argue about school, money, and use of leisure time
4. Increased likelihood for violence, crime, alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, depression alienation, and lowered achievement

This Research showed the more a parent disregards, is inconsistent, and uninvolved in their adolescent’s life, it increases an adolescents risk for problem behaviors.

When parent's have an inability to resolve differences, you need to strike a healthy balance between independence and emotional connectedness. Say to them, I see in your eyes your feeling _________________. Is that true? Lets talk through that feeling.

Conflict between parents and adolescents is an inevitable result of changes in adolescent reasoning skills.

Something to ponder: Conflict lessens when older adolescents start to reason like adults "I can satisfy my parent's concerns without sacrificing my own desire for independence."

The more an adolescent experiences adult roles and have more independence, there is greater respect, understanding, affection, confidence, and enjoyment between them and their parents.

Adolescents say their parents should: Help them make important, longer-term, and difficult decisions like educational, moral, financial, and vocational decisions. They also should retain jurisdiction over moral and conventional issues throughout adolescence.

Adolescents want more say in these areas: Family obligations, chores, getting along with other people, diet, cleanliness, appearance, dating, choice of friends, and homework

Parents feel obligated to make rules regarding: Friendships

In late adolescence serious topics are discussed more frequently with peers than parents: Sex and drugs

5 KEY ADVANTAGES TO PARENTING AN ADOLESCENT

1. CAN TEACH MY ADOLESCENT TO GROW IN INDEPENDENCE AND RESPONSIBILITY

2. I CAN TEACH MY ADOLESCENT EACH MEMBER OF MY FAMILY DESERVES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES, WHICH REQUIRES:

3. I CAN TEACH MY ADOLESCENT HOW TO AVOID READING INTO WHAT EACH FAMILY MEMBER SAYS DURING CONFLICT

4. I CAN TEACH MY ADOLESCENT THE ROLL WITH RESISTANCE

5. I CAN TEACH MY ADOLESCENT THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CHOOSING AND CARRYING OUT CHANGE.

Prayer: