LOVE DOES NOT ENVY
50 Days of Love - Part 3 of 8
Gerry White
November 14, 2004

We're in this series on 50 Days of Love. The most common destroyer of friendships is not anger, it's not impatience, it's not apathy, and it's not unkindness. It's envy. And in our series, as we go through this 50 Days of Love, today we're going to look at the verse in the Bible that says, "Love does not envy."

It is impossible to envy someone and love them at the same time. So, what is envy? It's resenting God's goodness to others and ignoring God's goodness to me. That's what envy is.

The Bible tells us real clearly that envy is behind most other sins. In James 3:16, it says, "Wherever there is envy you'll find every kind of evil." That intrigued me when I saw that verse this week so I went through the Bible and I made a list from A to Z of problems that envy can cause.

  • Anorexia: People starve themselves because they envy skinny people
  • Adultery: People envy somebody else, their spouse, so they steal them.
  • Bitterness: You resent people things that you wish you had achieved.
  • Complaining, Conflict, Dishonesty.
  • Exaggeration: People overstate accomplishments out of envy.
  • Gossip: We build ourselves up and tear other people down out of envy.
  • Hypocrisy: We kiss up to those we envy then talk behind their back.
  • Insecurity, Judgmentalism,
  • Manipulating: It causes us to scheme and want to get our own way.
  • The Bible says that envy can cause murder - in fact the very first murder was between Cain and Abel. The first homicide.
  • Obsession: Envy can cause you to obsess over a thing or over an event.

The Bible says that envy:

  1. Can make you power-hungry, rude, sarcastic, spiteful, stingy, stubborn, unforgiving, ungrateful, unkind and vain. Not a pretty picture.
  2. Can turn you into a worrier and also into a workaholic. Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, "I've learned why people work so hard to succeed. It's because they envy the things their neighbors have."
  3. Proverbs 14:30 that envy is like bone cancer. It will eat you alive. It starts inside, and it makes you miserable.

Is it worth it? No. Nothing destroys friendships faster than envy.

  • It can destroy families by sibling rivalry. It can destroy businesses. It can destroy neighborhoods.
  • It can even cause nations to go at war with each other. Simply out of envy. This is one destructive sin.

If it's so destructive, then how do we rout it out of our lives? Because we live in a society that is filled with envy. Capitalism is built on the theme of "I want what you've got. I want more, and I've got to have it." So how do we rout it out of our lives?

Sometimes you learn what to do by looking at what not to do.

In the parable of the vineyard workers in Matthew 20, Jesus tells us the story of some people who did it the wrong way. They become very envious. A farmer goes out and he hires five different kinds of day workers.

He starts out with the workers at the start of the day, then he goes out four more times and hires four other guys. To the first guys, he says, "I'll pay you a set wage." They contract for a dollar a day, which was the going rate at that time. To the other guys he goes and picks up for day workers he says, "I'll just pay you what's fair" and they don't even agree on an amount. So they're just trusting in his generosity to be fair. So at the end of the day he decides to pay them in reverse.

He decides, "I'm just going to pay everybody the same amount." He didn't pay the people who worked all day any less. They got exactly what that had contracted for - a dollar a day. What made them upset was that other people were given what they felt they didn't deserve. So they became very, very envious.

In this story we learn the five antidotes to envy

1. If you want to get envy out of your life, you must first stop comparing yourself to others.

Comparing is at the root of all envy. And comparing was the very first mistake made by these workers.

Those hired last came up and were each given a dollar. And when those who were hired first saw that, they assumed they would get far more.

Matthew 29:10

In other words, they started making comparisons: "Look what they're getting. So we're going to get more. We deserve more. We ought to have more." They started comparing.

The Bible says over and over again, never compare yourself to anybody else.
The Bible says it's foolish.
The Bible says it's dumb, unwise.

  • You're never to compare the way you look.
  • You're never to compare your income.
  • You're not to compare your intelligence.
  • You're not to compare your kids.
  • You're not to compare your husband or wife or your job or anything else.

The Bible says do not do that.

Never compare yourself to anybody else for two reasons

One, you're unique. God made you special. There's nobody like you. He made the mold and then He broke it. You can't be comparable to anybody else.

Two, if you do start comparing, it's always going to lead to one of two sins - pride or envy. When you start comparing yourself - like the way you look or the kind of car you have or the way your front lawn looks or whatever - you start comparing and you think either "I'm doing better than them," and you get full of pride. Or "They're doing better than me," and you get full of envy. They're both sins.

A lot of times we envy people because we don't know the whole story behind their success or what we think they've got that we don't have or ought to have.

  • If you knew their background
  • If you knew what sacrifices they've made to get where they are
  • If you knew their pain or their hurt of if you knew what it cost them to get what they have, you might not want it.

You don't know the whole story and that causes you to envy.

Envy occurs when you really don't know people intimately. You can see people's strengths from a distance, you can see their successes from a distance.

But it's only when you get up close that you see their warts, their faults, their failures. That they're normal people, that they've got hang-ups, that they have problems, that they have pain. And everybody has hidden pain. You can't see their pain and hurt from a distance.

When you see people from a distance, it's a whole lot easier to envy them.

So the first antidote to dealing with envy is just to get to know people. Get to know them up close and personal and get to know them intimately. That's the power of small groups. When you get to know people closely, you don't envy them. But you can pray for them.

When you love people, you can't envy them. Just find out who's in your neighborhood and invite them to your house. Have a potluck, a get-together. Get to know them. It's one of the ways to build bridges instead of barriers. Envy isolates us. Fellowship binds us together and helps us get to know each other.

2. You have to start enjoying God's grace to other people.

When you see God being kind, good, gracious to others, learn to enjoy it rather than resent it.

You need to be happy when God is blessing somebody else. This does not come naturally. You have to learn it. You have to learn to rejoice in other people's blessing. When God has been good to others, you need to learn to enjoy watching God do that to them.

This is the exact opposite of what these workers did. They went out and the guys who worked all day, they were paid exactly what they contracted for. They weren't cheated. They just resented other people being given just as much. And instead of enjoying it, the workers resented it.

The workers who had been hired first thought that they would be given more than the others, but when they were given the same, they began complaining to the owner of the vineyard. And he said, 'Are you envious because I am generous to them?'

Matthew 20:10-11

They resented it.

Rejoice with those who rejoice.

Romans 12:15

It's much more difficult to rejoice when they have a success. We don't handle the success of other people very well. In fact, we're threatened by it. We resent it. Because somehow in our minds we think the world is some big giant apple pie and it's all divided up into slices. And if somebody's slice gets a little bit bigger, then that must mean my slice is going to get smaller.

You're wrong. Because God's got all the pie filling in the world. He doesn't run out of blessings. He doesn't run out of grace. There's more than enough to go around for everybody, and because God blesses somebody else does not mean there is not enough blessings for you.

He just wants to do it in different ways. He does not bless us all the same.

Some have good health, others don't have good health.
Some have good achievements, others don't have good achievements.
Some have real good family relationships, others have difficult family relationships. We're blessed in different ways. And we need to learn to rejoice in the joy of other people.

The fact is envy comes most often in the area that you're most interested in and you're most likely to be talented in.

For instance, athletes envy other athletes, and doctors envy other doctors. Speakers envy other speakers. Writers envy other writers. Musicians envy other musicians.

I have to say I have never been envious of a good seamstress. They can maybe sew up all kinds of incredible clothes. I just never wanted to be a seamstress. So there are areas in your life that you just don't envy because you have no interest in those areas. But if it gets a little bit close to home, and it's an area that you're interested in or have a lot of talent in or wish you did, there comes the envy. It always happens.

Realtors envy other Realtors; they don't envy accountants. So we tend to find those who are closest to us in our profession or in our area of interests. Brothers envy brothers, sisters envy sisters - things like that.

Because envy is such a hidden sin, we don't think it's that bad. We don't think it's as harmful as the more overt ones like murder or lust or things like that. But the Bible says this is an incredibly damaging sin. It's hidden. But it's mean.

  • In fact, it's the meanest sin of all because it is wishing bad on other people and it's destructive.
  • It devalues other people,
  • It ruins your happiness,
  • Robs you of happiness,
  • Makes you miserable.
  • It destroys relationships.
  • It makes you critical.

I've discovered that when people are critical, if it's not a constructive criticism, it's almost always out of envy. Criticism is almost always based in envy unless it's a constructive criticism.

The main thing envy does is it keeps you from entering into the joy of other people. You miss out on a whole lot of joy in life you could be enjoying.

For instance, let's say you want to get married, but you're not married right now. So every time you hear about a wedding, instead of being happy, you get resentful. You get envious. You can't enjoy it.

Or, let's say you want to have a baby, but you're not having a baby. So every time you hear about a baby being born you don't enjoy that. You don't rejoice. You don't rejoice with those who rejoice. You get envious.

Or you want a promotion, and somebody else in your company gets promoted. You don't rejoice over that promotion. ("Good for you! Congratulations!") No, you're thinking, "How come not me?"

Or somebody gets a windfall, and they get a big inheritance, and you think, "How come I wasn't born not a rich family? I have a poor family. I'm not getting any inheritance."

As a result, you don't enjoy much that goes on in the world. You can be a pretty miserable person. If the only time you're happy is when good things happen to you, you're not going to be happy that much, because happy things don't happen to you all the time.

A lot of life is just average, and a lot of life is bad things happening to you. On the other hand, if you learn to enjoy the good things that happen to others, you can be happy all the time. Because something good is always happening to somebody.

That's your choice. Envy is a choice. I can choose to rejoice, or I can choose to resent. Those are the options.

3. Be grateful for what you have.

Instead of focusing so much on what you don't have and what didn't happen, be grateful for what you do have. This also has to be learned. The Apostle Paul wrote, "I have learned to be content." It was a learning process.

So instead of complaining like these workers did about what wasn't happening, what they didn't get, you learn to realize that you'd have nothing without God, without His goodness and what He's given to you.

Isn't everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what's the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need.

1 Corinthians 4:7-8

Envy is based on a myth. The myth is I have to have more to be happy. I have to have something I don't have now to be happy.

And you get caught up in this myth and focused on everyone else. Envy always looks at others and asks, "Why them? Why did they deserve it? I deserve what they have."

But gratitude says, "Why me? Why did I get this? I don't deserve what I have." It totally flips around the perspective of our mind.

The truth is although we all struggle with envy, it's hard to admit it. It's hard to admit that we struggle with this.

  1. It is such an ugly emotion, such an ugly feeling toward others.
  2. Envy, when you're envious of others, you really want them to fail. You want them to fall flat on their face. You don't tell anyone else, but it really makes your day when they have a bad day.
  3. Because you feel better because they don't have something. When you think about that, that's pretty crazy, isn't it? It's hard to recognize envy because it's all around us. It's a part of our society. We're inundated with it.

When I have to admit I'm envious, I have to admit I'm feeling inadequate. I have to admit the reason I'm envious is I want something you have that I couldn't get or don't have.

It's better to be satisfied with what you have than always to be wanting something else.

Ecclesiastes 6:9

I already have more than I deserve.

4. To trust God when life seems unfair.

When it looks like God's blessing somebody in a way that He's not blessing you, you need to relax and trust God. You need to believe that He knows what's going on. He knows what's best. Even when you can't see it, you need to trust Him when life seems unfair.

Signs of envy

  1. The language you use: If you find yourself starting to use the phrase "It's not fair," you've already fallen into the trap of envy. "It's not fair! Why them? Why not me? I've worked as hard as they do. I'm a committed Christian."
  2. Then you start getting into legalism: "Maybe if I just worked more, then maybe God would bless me more. Maybe if I just went to church more, God would bless me more." No, that's not it at all.

You need to trust God that He knows exactly what each individual life needs. He knows the hurt and He knows the pain and He knows the blessing that each life can handle. And you need to trust God in that.

In this story Jesus told, the workers felt that they were being treated unfairly. Not because they weren't paid what they were promised. They were. They got exactly what they were promised. But that other people were paid the same amount when they thought, "We're better".

Notice verse 12, "These last workers have put in only one easy hour and yet you have made them equal to us." You can hear the envy in that. "We're better than them. We who slaved all day under a scorching sun."

Notice the owner's replay in the next verse. And, by the way, the owner represents God in this story. "Friends, I didn't cheat you. I paid you exactly what we agreed on ... What business is it of yours if I want to pay them the same that I paid you? Don't I have the right to do whatever I want to do with my own money?"

The bottom line on envy is this. When you're envious, you're in a battle with God. Your problem really isn't with the person you envy.

Your problem at a deeper level is with God. You're doubting God's goodness in your life. You resent God's decision to bless somebody else. You accuse Him of being unfair.

When you are envious, your problem really is with God. You don't think God has your best interest at heart. You think God loves somebody else more than He loves you, that God is playing favorites. You accuse Him of that. You start building an entire case against God.

God loves you as much as He loves anybody else. He doesn't love anybody else more than He loves you. Because He loves us all unconditionally. It's not like, "I can love them, but not love you." No. He does. And the bottom line is you need to learn to trust Him.

God has a good reason why I don't have what I want.

Do you think God is duty-bound to give you everything you want? He's not a slot machine. He's not a vending machine. He's not a genie - you put in a little prayer and you get whatever you want. You serve God; He doesn't serve you. God has a good reason why I don't have the things in my life that I think I ought to have.

The problem that happens in envy is you have forgotten how much God loves you. You've got in your mind, "Maybe He loves somebody else more than He loves me." No. You're wrong. You've forgotten how much He loves you, how much He has a plan that is just perfect for you and how life isn't about things anyway. It's not about material possessions. There's a lot more important.

Envy is the fever. Doubting God is the infection. And any time you start envying, it's because you're doubting God. You need to fall in love with Jesus Christ again.

5. Keep focused on God's plan for you.

Keep focused on the plan God has for your life. Don't get distracted by what's going on in other people's lives. Center in on God's will for your life. There's a simple phrase in this story that the owner says to those who were grumbling and griping and who didn't get what they deserved, Matthew 20:14, "Take your money now and go."

Sometimes we get so stuck in the past. Some of you are still envying the person who got to be prom king or queen. You're really stuck back here a long ways. And God is saying, "Get a life! Move on."

You get so stuck on what you didn't get and why it didn't happen and I deserved that and they didn't deserve that, you get so stuck on that, you can't see God's plan for your life. He still has an incredible plan for your life right now, today. Why should you let what they got keep you from God's plan for your life? And He has an incredible plan for your life.

Let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.

Hebrews 12:1

The particular race. That means the unique race. That means the personal race, the race that is only for you. It's unlike His plan for anyone else. This plan that God has for your life individually is a plan that He had before you were even born. That's how great this plan is.

You saw me before I was born and scheduled every day of my life before I began to breathe.

Psalm 139:15

God has shaped you. He has made you for a unique purpose. One of the reasons for a church is to help you discover the unique purpose that God has for your life, the particular race that He wants you to run.

To get you started in that, some of you know, we have a series of four classes here at Lighthouse. We call them 101, 201, 301 and 401 just to be simple. If you haven't been to those, I encourage you to get started.

When you get focused like this on God's race, His particular race for you to run, you really don't have time to envy anyone. You're so caught up in what He wants you to do. You can't be bothered with envy because you're living your life for an audience of one.

How to stay focused on the life that God has for you to live.

  1. Get a spiritual partner. Somebody you can trust that can say to you, "You're getting a little off track here. Why don't you focus on the life that you need to live?"
  2. Memorize some Bible verses. God can bring those verses that you've memorized to mind at just the right time to say, "Get back on track!" This weeks verse is James 3:16, "Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble."

Jesus concludes this story with a shocking statement.

And so it is that many who are first now will be last then. And those who are last now will be first then. If you want to be great you must become the servant of all the others.

Matthew 20:16-26

This is what I call The Great Reversal. God says when we get to heaven, the tables are going to be turned upside down. All those celebrities, all those people of talent, famous people that you envy - all the people that you envy - He said they're going to be at the back of the line. Because the line in heaven is not about wealth and fame and possessions and all those things.

The point - None of the things we envy on earth are going to matter in heaven. Not one of them!

What God is going to evaluate and reward in your life is your service to other people. Service is love in action.

So if you want to be great in heaven... Did you serve? Did you give your life away in love to help other people? So He would say, "Do you want to make your life count? Stop envying people and start serving them." And God says, "I'm taking notice and you're going to be rewarded eventually."

God has given you certain talents, certain abilities. We call it your SHAPE – Spiritual gifts, Heart, Ability, Personality and Experiences. You're unique. God gave you those talents and strengths not for your benefit; He gave you your talent for the benefit of other people.

Life is about serving, not acquiring. It's not how many toys you pile up, it's not how big a house you get. It's about: Are you a lover? Are you a server? Are you like Jesus Christ and kind to others? And do you give your life away in service to others?

Love is something you do. And Jesus said if you want to be great, you've got to focus on this one. Because it's the ultimate antidote to envy.

Prayer:

Would you follow me in this prayer? Father, I want my life to be filled with love, so I ask You to help me rout out all the envy in my life and my relationships. Help me to stop comparing myself to others. Help me to start enjoying Your goodness to others. Help me to realize You don't have a short supply of grace, that there's plenty to go around. Help me to remember that I already have so much more than I deserve. I ask You to forgive me, Lord, for not being grateful for what I already have. I'm sorry. When life seems unfair and it seems like other people are being blessed more, would You teach me to trust You, realizing that You have my best interest at heart and You don't love me any less? Most of all help me to keep focused on Your unique plan for my life. I want to be exactly what You want me to be. Help me to remember that life is about relationships not getting things. And help me to serve others in love instead of envying them. In Your name I pray. Amen.