Lighthouse Baptist Church
and Christian Academy

Regardless of your past, regardless of your failures say today, I'm going to make a commitment to maintain God's standards. That means you agree with God about what He says about sex. God's standards have never, never changed.

The Bible says that sex is for marriage only - not before marriage, not outside of marriage.

How can a person keep his way pure?

Psalm 119:9

The answer is by living according to... "culture." No! but "by living according to Your word."

God's standard is very clear in His word. Adultery is never an option, under no circumstances is it OK, there is no justification for it, no matter what your background is.

Joseph in the Old Testament was seduced by Potipher's wife. He had every reason in the world to give in to that temptation - I'm young, I've viral, I'm single, I'm in a foreign country, it's an acceptable practice in this society, she wants it, my desires want it, I've been abused, my mother died when I was young, my father was over-indulgent to me, my brothers hated me and sold me into slavery - he had a terrible family life, he was deprived of love. Instead he said "I will not sin against my God." The Bible says when he was tempted he turned and ran. Maybe that's what you need to do too.

You say "but my wife/husband is not meeting my needs." It is not an excuse.

Proverbs says "Be faithful to your own wife. Give your love to her alone." This is not a suggestion. It is a commandment.

I want to suggest to you that you need to publicly affirm God's standard. That's the first step if you want to protect your marriage. You need to first say to your mate, I have decided that by God's grace regardless of what you do, the decisions you make the choices you make or what happens in our marriage, I will never be unfaithful to you. It's my choice. It's my decision. Regardless of what you do, I will never be unfaithful to you. That's the starting point.

Then I think you need to affirm that same thing to your friends, your relatives, the people you work with so that there is no doubt about where you stand on this issue with the people around you. You need to say to those you work with "I intend to be faithful to my husband/wife."

Remind yourself of the devastation and destruction that is caused by sexual sin.

The one who commits adultery is an utter fool for he destroys his own soul.

Proverbs 6:32

Nothing damages emotions like sexual sin. Nothing. There are other sins that don't damage as much. But sexual sin leaves permanent scars.

• The shame just doesn't seem to go away.
• The sense of loss to everyone involved is enormous.

Jesus said if your eye causes you to sin it's better to loose an eye than loose your soul. The one who commits adultery is an utter fool; he destroys his own soul.

Adultery will cost a man all that he has.

Proverbs 6:26

Remember Esau who was hungry in the Old Testament and he sold his birthright, his inheritance, for a bowl of porridge. I know people today who are selling their life away for one moment of pleasure.

Many of you are in difficult marriages.

• You're struggling
• You're having a tough time.
• It's not satisfying.
• You're looking around.

The cost of maintaining and restoring and repairing your marriage and making it work no matter how high the cost, the cost of adultery is always higher. Always higher. It just doesn't pay in the long run. Everybody looses. God put this in here for our benefit. He says, I don't want to cause you pain.

I've been married to my wife for 17 years and by God's grace she is the only woman I have ever known. By God's grace I intend to be faithful to her for as long as I live. Why? Three reasons:

1. I love Jesus Christ. I owe Him my life. He died for me. He's my ticket to heaven. Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." There's no doubt that God says no to sex outside of marriage.
2. I love my wife and daughter. The thought of hurting them and what that would do to them is almost unbearable for me to even think of.
3. I fear the judgment of God. I think it is a healthy fear that you ought to have. The Bible says, you don't do this and get away with it. You may think you do but you don't. You reap what you sow. One day you will explain to God why you chose to do what He said not to do. "God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery." You don't get away with it.

You say, God wants me to be happy. Yes, that's why He gave this rule. He knows better than you do. Adultery is ultimately selfishness. It's not love, it's selfishness.

It's saying "I'm going to put my needs and what I think is right, my pleasure ahead of everything else -

• ahead of what God says,
• ahead of what it will do to my husband or wife,
• ahead of what it will do to my family,
• ahead of what it will do to her or his family,
• ahead of what it will do to his/her wife/husband."

It's basically saying forget the world, I'm doing what I want to do. That is selfishness. That is not love.

So you make a commitment to God's standard and you magnify the consequences.

A growing relationship to your spouse will reduce the pull and attraction of adultery.

A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, a wife should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other's needs.

I Corinthians 7:3

Dr. Willard Harley, a counselor in Minnesota, wrote a fantastic book His Needs, Her Needs. He has identified through thousands of couples what he thinks are the top 5 needs of most men and the top 5 needs of most women. See if you see any similarities between these two lists:

The top five needs of most men are:

1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

The top five needs of most women are:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment

Did you see any similarities between those two lists? No. No wonder we have so much trouble adjusting in marriage.

Men come in to marriage thinking for some strange reason they've married someone very much like themselves so they set about trying to meet the needs they have in their wife and feeling very, very frustrated when she does not respond the same way he does.

Most women come into marriage thinking they've married someone very much like themselves. They set about to meet the needs that they have in a man and cannot understand why he does not respond the same way she does.

Solution: Get serious and get down to the full time business of learning what it is that your spouse needs and determining that you're going to meet those needs to the very best of your ability even if they are not necessarily your needs or you don't have them in the exact same way. This will go such a long way in protecting your marriage.

Do not cheat each other of normal sexual intercourse or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptation of Satan.

I Corinthians 7:5

The Bible says sex is a spiritual responsibility in marriage and to deny each other or to restrict each other is to ask for trouble.

A scientific survey I read this week was done to discover what days most men like to make love. They discovered that they like days that begin with T - Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Taturday, and Tunday. We can laugh about it but we know it to be true.

When you stood before a judge or a pastor and committed your life to another person in marriage you realized maybe or not that you are committing to an exclusive relationship.

You are committing yourself to a man or a woman and saying "For most of the needs I have in my life, especially these top five, I'm looking to you as the one to meet those needs."

Unfortunately many men and women feel cheated. They feel like they've gotten a raw deal by the time they've been married a little while. The needs are so different. There's conflict in their sexual relations.

Here's a decision that each of us needs to make: if my mate is going to have a good lover in his or her life I'm going to be it.

People don't just fall into immorality. There is really no such thing as a one-night stand. It seems that way, but you are not a moral, upright person today and by tomorrow you fall into immorality.

It doesn't happen that way. There's a process, a whole series of events:

Step one. Accepting sinful thoughts in my mind.

The battle for any temptation in your life begins in your mind. Regardless of what the temptation is, the battle begins in your mind.

What you think about, you'll eventually feel and what you feel you'll eventually act on.

Temptation is the pull of a person's own evil thoughts and wishes. These evil thoughts lead to evil actions, and afterwards to death.

James 1:14-15

The battle begins in your mind. You become what you think about.

• If you think about positive, good, happy, loving, kind things, that's the way you will act.
• If you think lustful, dirty, trashy, obscene thoughts, that's the kind of person you will become.

It's impossible not to be affected by what you let into your mind.

Turn your back on lustful desires and give your positive attention to goodness, integrity, love and peace.

2 Timothy 2:22

I want you to be wise about what is good and innocent about evil.

Romans 16:19

It's sad but most of us are the exact opposite. We are so wise and knowledgeable about what is evil and innocent, ignorant about what is good. That's not God's way and it will lead you in the process of immorality if you don't control your own thoughts.

What do Christians do with their fantasies? Deny them? Repress them? I think Scripture tells us we are to turn them into the positive.

• If you are married, turn that sexual energy into your marriage.
• If love is the motivating force behind those fantasies the sky's the limit and with God's blessing.
• If you're single you need to turn your sex drive to creative dynamic ways to serve God and other people.

Don't repress your sexual drive, don't release it illegitimently, but rechannel it in a way that pleases God.

Step two: Emotional non-physical involvement.

To assume that all is well between a man and a woman because there is no physical contact is a mistake. You're fooling yourself.

By an emotional involvement I mean that you look to another person other than your spouse for the deep emotional needs that we all have for understanding, support, sympathy.

If you are looking to someone other that your spouse for those needs to be met you are in an emotional affair that can lead you even further into sin.

Unbelievers don't spend a lot of time here. Unbelievers move right to the physical relationship. Christians camp here. They will not deal with the reality of what is going on in their lives.

Step three: Physical involvement.

Once you've crossed that line to where there is physical contact the pull of the sin is horrendous. To try to break out of a relationship that has crossed those physical lines, the physical boundary, will take everything you have with the grace of God to break through.

Step four: Rationalizing the affair.

We are great in deceiving ourselves. We are experts at pulling the wool over our own eyes.

The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. Who can know it?

Jeremiah 17:9

You are a pro at deceiving yourself. You can convince yourself that anything is OK given the circumstances. Some of the excuses we have heard:

• "If only my husband/wife met my needs, I wouldn't be doing this."
• "Just one more time."
• "We love each other." Love will never fracture another person's family.
• "God will forgive."
• "God loves us no matter what we do." Both of those are true.

God will forgive you if you are a Christian and have asked Him to and He will love you no matter what you do when you have Jesus in your heart. But I think it is absolutely arrogant to presume on the grace of God in this way.

Most affairs occur between close personal friends, co workers or family members. Since we obviously have to deal with people every day of our lives how do you maintain a proper relationship in casual relationships?

1. Don't listen to a member of the opposite sex tell you his or her marriage problems. It is so tempting to think that you can be a good listener and sympathetic. The temptation is to think "I would never treat you like that. I would treat you much better than that." Steer them to a same sex counselor.

2. Women do not go fishing for compliments. Don't go looking for them.

You may have married a man that did not notice that two weeks ago you died your hair blue and purple and has yet to comment on it. But that does not mean that you're to look outside of your marriage relationship for those deep emotional needs. They are to be given to God. It is illegitimate to seek for another man to meet that need in your heart.

Men, not because of the legal possibility of being sued, but because you're a Christian and a godly man, watch what you say to women. If you're not sure what to say, it's better to say nothing in terms of compliments than to give the wrong signal off. Be careful.

3. Be aware of a sense of electricity between you and a member of the opposite sex. All of us have been in gatherings, standing around talking in a group of people and all of a sudden without meaning to you jus notice there is a kind of spark between you and another person. It's kind of scary, kind of shocks you if you're not anticipating it.

You have two choices at that point: You can either be stroked by it and think "Wow! That feels good. This person thinks I'm attractive." If your own heart is hurting because you don't feel attractive, because your spouse has not led you to feel that you're attractive, it's very easy to respond to that.

You can either move into it or you can pull back that signifies "No, I love my husband/wife and I'm not going to risk what I have just because you make me feel good and make me feel wanted."

4. Avoid a prolonged stare. In America there is a socially unwritten rule of how long you can catch someone's eye and hold it without it being inappropriate. This is OK for singles, it's called flirting. You can catch someone's eye, you can wink! But if you are married, flirting is over. It's a game that no longer may you participate in. It's misleading. Avoid a prolonged stare - it signals interest.

5. Avoid a lingering touch. Again, there are socially acceptable limits in American culture of what is an appropriate touch and what is inappropriate. It's a dead give away, if a person hugs you too long, or touches you in a way that feels uncomfortable, it is a dead giveaway that they are interested. Don't do it. And beware if someone does it to you. They are signaling their interest in you.

Watch out for these behaviors in your own life. Be serious. Take this seriously, it's for your protection.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.

Ephesians 5:3

It takes more than good intentions to remain pure. You need a plan.

If you don't want to get stung stay away from the bees. Don't place yourself in situations where you know you're going to be tempted. Recognize the circumstances that turn you on, that weaken your standards, that cause you to be aroused, stimulated. Be alert and be aware of them.

I Corinthians 10 "Be careful. If you're thinking 'I'd never behave like that' let this be a warning to you. For you too may fall into sin." You need to know the early warning signs of temptation in your life so you can bail out early.

Establish some guidelines.

"Guard yourself and your spirit and do not break faith with your wife." One of the prime places is offices.

Offices are ripe for budding romances.

Everybody looks good and they smell good, they're on their best behavior. You don't see them at home with curlers and diarrhea.

Even in church offices this could be a problem. It is tragic, heartbreaking, the way Christian leaders are dropping like flies.

Talk is cheap. The Bible says leaders must be able to lead by their lives and by their model. Minimize the opportunity.

THE PATHWAY BACK TO PURITY.

If you've been unfaithful to your mate there is still hope. You can come to Jesus christ for cleansing. Adultery does not have to kill a marriage.

Three steps:

1. Acknowledge the sin.

Psalm 51, David's prayer when he committed adultery. Stop rationalizing it and call it what it is. It's wrong. It's sin.

It's not an affair. It's adultery, that's what the Bible calls it. God has never changed His standard and He never will.

Premarital sex is unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be.
Living together without being married is unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be.
Adultery is unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be.
Homosexuality is unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be.
Pornography is unacceptable to God, it always has been it always will be. God does not compromise on this.

One day you will stand before Him and give your puny excuse why you did what He said don't do. If you're guilty of any of these issues, Lighthouse is the church for you. This is a community of forgiven sinners.

There are no perfect people in this church and it is not a place for self-righteousness.

• It is a place to come and get your act together
• A place to come to find forgiveness
• healing
• a new life
• break the power of temptations that you don't think you can break on your own because you can't without God's help.

This is the place to do it because we're all working on it together. We all know what we're capable of and we're not kidding each other so we don't fake it or pretend.

We know we need guidelines to keep us in line. Confess and receive forgiveness from God and then you can forgive yourself. Even if there were no heaven it's worth it - get rid of the shame.

2. End the relationship immediately.

Do it now. "Today if you hear God's voice don't harden your heart" the Bible says. Take action immediately. Don't delay. You move slowly out of fellowship but you move quickly back into it.

3. Avoid all contact with that person from now on.

You can't be friends after you've been lovers. Do whatever it takes to do. End the relationship cold turkey.

No more letters, cards, visits, meetings to explain it (call them on the phone to explain it), if they keep calling you up your practice hanging up.

Do whatever it takes to void that situation.

If it means change jobs, do it. Better that than lose your soul.
If it means changing churches, do it. Whatever it takes to break the relationship.

God's way is the best way and you can get back on tract. You open your life to Jesus Christ and say, "Jesus Christ, come in and be the manager of my life and help me manage this sex drive that You gave me in the first place."

You ask for forgiveness for past mistakes and sins and receive that forgiveness and then you can forgive yourself. Then you make a commitment to be morally pure the rest of your life forward. That means you're going to have sex only to the person you're married to.

Maybe you've realized that some of those thoughts in your life weren't harmless after all and you need to say, "God, help me change my thought life." Maybe you've been involved in an emotional attachment and think there's no sex involved so it's OK. Nip it in the bud. Maybe you've had the heartbreak of an affair in your marriage. There is hope.