Lighthouse Baptist Church
and Christian Academy

Whether subtle or blatant, emotional or physical, spouse abuse pierces the body and soul of a woman. While there are varying degrees of damage, all forms of abuse inflict painful wounds.

Visible Wounds.

Countless wives have sought medical attention for the physical trauma they have received at the hands of an enraged, out-of-control husband. These include bruises, scrapes, scratches, cuts, internal injuries, and broken bones. Others have quietly endured the pain of a bloodied nose or a sprained neck or shoulder.

Invisible Wounds.

Many women claim that the wounds that go unseen hurt the most.

These involve:

• the sting of betrayal,
• feelings of powerlessness,
• a loss of freedom,
• a shredding of dignity

While there is much overlap among the four, it's helpful to examine each one separately.

The Sting Of Betrayal. In the early stages of their relationship, the husband often smothers a wife with kindness. His apparent love and concern for her is what she finds so attractive. Hidden under his cloak of charm and gentleness, however, is a scheme to possess and control her.

Eventually her dreams are shattered as she realizes that she's married to a possessive, controlling man. She feels betrayed, and the sting of betrayal deepens as her husband repeatedly breaks his promise to stop the abuse.

Feelings Of Powerlessness. A husband's superior physical strength and intimidating threats, or cultural and religious expectations, or economic restrictions leave an abused wife with the feeling that she is unable to stop the abuse.

Her sense of powerlessness intensifies as she begins to recognize that she can't prevent or end the damage and pain the abuse has caused her and her children.

Over time, an abused wife begins to believe that the abuse is somehow her fault. She doubts herself as a wife, housekeeper, mother, and lover. Although she may excel at a job with many important responsibilities, she does not feel competent in her home.

Loss Of Freedom. An abusive marriage is earmarked by a decrease of freedom on the part of a wife. Her husband may:

• limit her social life,
• tell her whom she can be friends with,
• impose strict financial restraints.
• a wife must get "permission" before doing anything out of her normal daily routine.

In an attempt to control his wife and keep the abuse silent, the husband often makes all of her major decisions. In any event, the wife begins to feel as if she has no life of her own. She feels as though she has no voice to speak; and if she did speak, no one would pay any attention.

Shredding Of Dignity. An abused wife has her dignity assaulted on a regular basis.

• She's constantly reminded that she can't think for herself.
• She's often treated like an inanimate object that is used and discarded like an empty pop can.
• She's treated as if she has no legitimate feelings, thoughts, or desires.

Many times she feels as if she has "ceased to exist as a person." This sometimes leads to a "hollow" appearance in which she seems emotionally barren.

There are several myths surrounding the issue of wife abuse. Let's look at four of them:

Myth #1 - Some Men Can't Help Themselves.

Some believe that there are men who don't have the ability to cope with frustration. It's said that these men have no choice but to abuse.

In responding to this claim, James and Phyllis Alsdurf state, "If frustrating situations offered only one option, abusers would be equally violent on the job, driving in traffic, or interacting with friends; but that is simply not true.

The majority of abusers direct their violence specifically and purposely toward their wives" (Battered Into Submission, p.68). Additionally, this is a dangerous view to hold because it allows the abuser to dodge responsibility for his actions. Failure to hold abusers responsible only adds fuel to a fire burning out of control.

Myth #2 - Alcohol Is The Problem.

While alcohol and other drugs are involved in many abusive marriages, there are others where they are not. It is wrong to assume that alcohol or drugs are the fundamental cause of spouse abuse.

While chemical dependencies often inflame and complicate abusive relationships, they are only part of the problem. Removing alcohol, for instance, still leaves the heart and root of the abuse unexposed and unchallenged.

Myth #3 - Abused Women Are Themselves To Blame.

Some believe that wife abuse would not occur if it were not for women who drive their husbands over the edge. They point out that some women "bait" their husbands into abusing them with a frigid attitude or constant nagging. They maintain that some women actually "buy" the attention and sympathy of others by provoking their husbands to violence.

While there may be occasions when this kind of "baiting" exists, it is rare. It's a well-known fact that battered women generally keep the abuse private (Battered Into Submission, p.74). That's why wife battering is commonly referred to as the "silent crime."

Battered women normally don't seek sympathy from others. They keep it to themselves because of the shame they feel, and because they're afraid of what might happen if they report their husbands' behavior.

Some wives admit to provoking their husbands' rage, not because they like being abused but because they have been through the cycle enough times to know that after the storm their husbands are inclined to be remorseful, kind, and gentle.

Additionally, "getting the abuse over with" eases the enormous fear of not knowing when the next abusive storm will strike. For many abused wives, living with the overwhelming fear of not knowing when the abuse will happen again is worse than the abusive incident itself.

In some marriages, the wife is more verbal than her husband. She can outmaneuver him in an argument, give him reason to feel weak and incompetent, and sometimes provoke him to anger. When he finally blows up, her moral superiority and low opinion of him appear to be confirmed. He feels even lower about himself, while she, at considerable cost to herself, appears to be vindicated.

Again, while such relationships exist, they do not prove that a woman is to blame for being abused. No one should ever be blamed for another's abusive behavior.

Myth #4 - The Bible Does Not Permit Christian Women To Report An Abusive Husband.

This is probably the most serious of all myths because so many battered women have been encouraged to silently apply "the submissive wife" principle of 1 Peter 3. So many well-meaning pastors and counselors have sent wives back into an abusive home after quoting the apostle Peter's words:

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

1 Peter 3:1-6

Then in one additional verse Peter went on to say to husbands:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 Peter 3:7

These clear words and timeless principles are often misapplied in abuse situations for several reasons:

Differences Of Culture.

First-century women and slaves could not appeal to 20th-century assault and battery laws. An endangered woman did not have the option of calling 911, an abuse hotline, or her local police. In our day, we can teach the timeless principles of Peter and also, in the event of domestic violence, we can call on the provisions of government and law enforcement that God has given us (Rom. 13:1-7).

If the husband is a believer, and his abuse has not escalated to criminal proportions, a woman can also appeal to the principles of Matthew 18:15-18 and ask the church to intervene in her behalf.

When an abused woman does ask the church for help, it is important to remember that the God of the Bible has always asked people of strength to come to the assistance of those who are weak and oppressed (Ezek. 34:4).

Godly people must not send a battered woman back to her home with the advice to "be more submissive." They need to do everything possible to provide whatever legal, social, or spiritual protection is available.

When appropriate, they will help a battered woman to apply the full extent of the law. Their motive must not be to return evil for evil, but to use the principle of government to bring an out-of-control husband to his senses. No one does an abusive husband a favor by allowing him to continue degrading himself and his wife with violence.

The Nature Of Godly Submission. The woman who passively allows her husband to abuse her may be sincerely trying to be obedient to the principles of 1 Peter 3:1-6.

Or she might be bearing her trauma silently in the belief that to report the abuse would result in even greater endangerment. In either case, it needs to be noted that Peter was asking women for a specific kind of submission.

Peter was calling for the kind of godly submission that invites a husband to be the servant leader God made him to be. Peter's intent was not to help abusive husbands indulge in the childish lust for power and control that Jesus condemned (Mk. 10:42-43; 1 Pet. 3:7).

The Example Of Christ. The immediate context of 1 Peter 3:1-7 says that we must be willing to suffer as Christ suffered for us. Peter reminded us that Jesus suffered unfair treatment without returning insult for insult or evil for evil.

This may sound like a reason for not reporting or opposing an abusive husband. But think about how Christ suffered for us. Jesus was first of all submissive to His Father in heaven. His submission was always tempered by what brought honor to God and help to others.

He was willing to suffer. But His suffering was for doing good, for seeking the life and well-being of others. Jesus wasn't indulging the evil actions of His enemies and submitting to their selfish whims.

Why Does An Abused Wife Respond The Way She Does?

There are many issues stirring inside the wounded heart of an abused woman.

• the pain
• confusion, there is also
• fear,
• the desire to be loved,
• anger.

At any given moment, one or more of these can influence an abused wife's response to her abuse.

The Fear Within.

A woman in an abusive situation is often terrified. Without question, she has much to fear. She is legitimately afraid of losing everything she holds dear—

• her husband,
• her children,
• her financial support,
• her house,
• her family reputation,
• her physical and emotional well-being,

Abused women readily identify with the fear David expressed in Psalm 55 over being deeply betrayed by a close friend:

My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm." . . . If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it . . . . But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend . . . . My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant. His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords

Psalm 55:4-8,12-13,20-21

Distinct Difference between being afraid and being controlled by fear.

• Has lost all confidence that she can make any kind of difference in her life.
• She feels powerless to stop the endless cycle of abuse.
• She has learned to tolerate abuse and lives with the constant terror that she is helpless and that her situation is hopeless. In essence, she is paralyzed by fear.
• Greatest fear is that her husband may abandon her.
• She mistakenly believes that without his acceptance and presence in her life she can't survive. Her heart flinches at the thought of being left alone.
• She doesn't necessarily want him out of her life, she just wants him to stop hurting her.

If he does end up rejecting her,

• What will that say about her?
• What will others think?
• What about the children?
• What about the economic hardship? How will they make it on their own?

The abused woman needs to remember:

1. Her well-being is not in the hands of her husband. Though she will be profoundly hurt if he leaves her.
2. Her hope must be in the Lord. She will make a great mistake if she forgets her real source of life, takes matters into her own hands, and, to avoid being abandoned by her husband, tolerates the abuse.

First Peter 3:6 says that a submissive woman who trusts God does "not give way to fear." The context of 1 Peter 2:13-3:6 shows that she is not to shrink back from a flawed husband in a passive, inactive way. Rather, she is to be actively engaged in submissively doing "what is right" (3:6) and not being controlled by the kind of fear that would keep her from doing so.

When violence occurs or is threatened, an abused woman's choices are more difficult, but the principles must remain the same. She must trust God and not return evil for evil, do what is right and not give way to fear, and offer the gentle spirit that can draw out the best in her husband.

She may need help from church elders or mature women in the church. They can help her see that allowing her husband to beat her into a "submission" that indulges his lust for control and power is not the kind of submission Peter was talking about.

The Desire Within.

An abused wife also struggles with her intense desire for more of her husband's loving involvement. Her heart legitimately yearns for this, yet there are many occasions when she believes she can no longer live with the painful hope of wanting more love from him with no guarantee that she'll get it.

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." When the painful emptiness seems overwhelming.

An abused woman tends to use self-hatred to:

• Deaden the part of her heart that hopes for more (the abuse is my fault)
• Deaden her hope and desire for more by allowing her to reason that she doesn't deserve her husband's love because of her flaws

This is a subtle way of easing her pain and protecting herself, because it keeps her from being put in a position where she might be let down again.

An abused woman often becomes so numb that her personal judgment is impaired. When she shuts down internally, she forfeits the opportunity to be the kind of wife her husband needs. She gives way to fear and feels unable to seek the intervention her out-of-control spouse needs.

Instead of seeing that her husband needs confrontation and that there is no excuse for his behavior, she tends to tolerate and minimize the abuse with statements like, "He had a tough day at the office," or "At least it wasn't as bad as the last time."

The Anger Within.

Although she may not always be fully aware of it, anger is usually present in the heart of an abused wife. Is it wrong for her to be angry about being abused? Absolutely not!

God Himself hates marital violence (Mal. 2:16). He wants us to be angry about the things that anger Him (Prov. 6:16-19; Eph. 4:26). Part of sharing His goodness is to develop a holy hatred and intolerance for sin in ourselves and in others (Rom. 12:9).

The problem, however, is not that an abused wife is angry over her husband's mistreatment, but that her anger may turn into a vengeful rage that seeks to return evil for evil. If she does not patiently work through her own anger, she will lose the inner character that Peter said is a woman's unfading beauty (1 Pet. 3:4-5).

Unresolved, vindictive anger will gradually turn her into a hard woman with an attitude that will eventually distance her from others.

Spouse Abuse May Be

PHYSICAL

• slapping, shaking, shoving, kicking, hitting, biting, spitting, scratching, pulling hair or the use of a weapon or something used as a weapon.

VERBAL

• excessive yelling, frequent criticism, name-calling, threats to abandon the relationship.

EMOTIONAL

• berating and discounting one's spouse in speech or action. Refusing to share feelings, neglecting to hear the other's feelings, and giving insulting negative feedback.

SEXUAL

• humiliating a sex partner, or forcing an intimate to have sex. Intentionally hurting a sex partner before or during intercourse.

How Does An Abused Wife Respond To Her Abuse?

In many instances, fear prompts a passive response and anger arouses a vindictive response. An abused wife is capable of both, though a passive response is far more common.

The Passive Response.

This is the response that tolerates the abuse.

A passive response:

• Pursues peace at any cost
• Flees from any kind of confrontation.
• Viewed as a "doormat" for her husband to trample
• She trembles at the thought of doing anything that might incur her husband's anger.
• She labors to appease her husband and "walks on eggs" so as not to arouse the sleeping giant lest she or her children bear the brunt of his violent rage.

The Vindictive Response.

• She is going to make her husband pay.
• Get even with a sarcastic or demeaning comment.
• Physically strike back or threaten to seek a divorce.
• She may let the house go, or make her husband late for church or social engagements, or fail to give him an important phone message. This is her subtle way of getting even and controlling him for a change.

The thought, "How can I best love my husband?" is the furthest thing from the mind of a woman who's seeking revenge. And that's a problem.

Peter told us that if we are following Christ's example of suffering, we will not retaliate nor threaten those who have harmed us (1 Pet. 2:23). Instead, we are to entrust ourselves into the hands of "Him who judges justly." Romans 12:17-19 says that revenge is not a weapon that God has placed in the arsenal of the Christian warrior.

There is a better way for a wife to respond to her husband's abuse.

• This higher path is not easier.
• It doesn't offer any guarantees of immediate outcome.
• It might even increase the risk of loss.
• The only real choice a woman has is whether she is going to try to seek the security of her own strategies,
• Whether she is going to place herself in the hands of God

The Godly Response.

There is no better path for an abused woman than the path that bears the footprints of the One who suffered for her sins. For a woman caught in the confusion and chaos of abuse, it is a path that must be taken one step at time. Trustingly and patiently she learns to walk in a way that reveals the heart of God to her husband.

Her goal is not merely to survive, but over a period of time to let God develop her own heart even as she lovingly and courageously challenges her husband to be the kind of man God wants him to be.

In 1 Peter 3, Peter described a submissive wife as being a woman of inner beauty, which does not fade with age. She has a soft, gentle heart that she neither hides nor hardens but willingly offers to her husband.

She is not demanding or contentious (v.4). She is a hopeful woman (v.5) because her hope is not in her husband but in the Lord. Her hope is in her Shepherd, who values the beauty of her heart enough to die for her (1 Pet. 2:25). Peter told women that they will become daughters of Sarah by faith if they "do what is right and do not give way to fear" (v.6). That statement is critical for a woman to understand if she is going to learn how to be submissive in a godly way.

"Do not give way to fear."

• you're bitter
• you feel like you're losing it
• you feel like you're drowning
• you either cry all the time or can no longer cry
• you live with ridicule
• you think you're going crazy
• you're fighting for emotional survival
• you're told you're stupid
• you work harder at your marriage than your friends do
• you walk on eggshells around your mate
• you think God has abandoned you
• you think everything is your fault
• you contemplate suicide
• you are overpowered by your mate's anger
• you are paralyzed by codependence

"As for me, I trust in You" (Ps. 55:23). Her security will not be in her husband who is unreliable, but in her trustworthy God whose perfect love for her has allowed her to break free from bondage to her fear (1 Jn. 4:18).

"Do what is right."

1. Expose him and let others know of his destructiveness
2. Tape record his verbal and physical abuse.
3. Report him to the police
4. Obtain a restraining order
5. File for legal separation
6. Require him to get counseling
7. For domestic violence in the United States is 1-800-799-7233
8. Contact your minister, and a local women's shelter

Whenever there has been long-term abuse in a marriage relationship, reconciliation is difficult. If it occurs, it will not happen quickly. The process of restoration is slow and arduous. Many times it will feel like three steps forward and two steps back. There are no simple methods to follow nor guarantees of success.

Reconciliation must not be misunderstood as encouraging a woman to return to the abusive cycle. Paul used the word reconciliation to denote the cessation of hostility in a relationship (Eph. 2:11-18). The cost of bringing reconciliation between sinful, rebellious people and a holy God was the death of Christ.

In the same way, reconciliation means a cessation of hostility on the part of the abuser against the victim. It means that he must do whatever it takes to ensure that there is not a return to the destructive patterns of the past.

Rebuilding a relationship marred by abuse must eventually cross over the bridge of forgiveness. For many abuse victims, the thought of forgiving their abuser sounds like betrayal because it feels like they are letting them off the hook for what they've done.

The pattern of forgiveness spoken of in Luke 17:3-4, however, makes it clear that forgiveness is also a process that lovingly holds the abuser accountable for his actions.

What if an abusive husband is not willing to go through the process of reconciliation? Then a wife must continue to follow a path of spiritual counsel and legal action. Just as Jews understood that strong "no work" Sabbath laws could be set aside if an animal fell into a pit (Mt. 12:9-13), so allowances and exceptions need to be made when women and children find themselves in danger. This is the teaching of our Lord.

Old Testament divorce laws were a merciful provision (Dt. 24:1-4). Even though God hated divorce (Mal. 2:16), it appears that He preferred divorce to the abuse of women and children.

God Himself divorced the northern tribes of Israel (Jer. 3:8). He took such action only after enduring their prolonged spiritual unfaithfulness, which He compared to sexual unfaithfulness.

A wife who is married to a physically abusive husband may not be sinning if she seeks divorce action--even if her husband is not guilty of sexual immorality (Mt. 19:1-12). Such a wife, however, must give careful consideration to the name and reputation of Christ and the biblical procedures for confronting a sinning brother (Mt. 18:15-17).

As noted earlier, Jesus taught that sometimes the spirit of the law allows specific legal requirements to be overridden (Mt. 12:1-13). By His own example, Jesus allowed His hungry disciples to pick grain on the Sabbath, just as He also took the opportunity to heal a man with a crippled hand on a day when no work was to be done.

The apostle Paul seems to have had this same spirit of the law in mind when he wrote, "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife" (1 Cor. 7:10-11). In a situation that did not involve sexual unfaithfulness, Paul said that there was no freedom to remarry. This keeps open the preferred option of reconciliation.

A woman in an abusive marriage cannot break the chains of her imprisonment without the wise and well-orchestrated involvement of a compassionate community.

Unfortunately, the church has too often been ill-prepared and even hesitant to get involved in such messy situations. Thus, many women don't seek help from the church but have turned to outside agencies and services instead.

God indicted the religious leadership of Ezekiel's day because, He told them, "You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally" (Ezek. 34:4).

The call of the people of God is to minister to those who are hurting and in desperate need of assistance.

1. Be prepared to get involved. Plan ahead. Don't be caught off guard. If a church is truly committed to ministering to families in today's cultural chaos and to be lights in a dark world, then it must be prepared to provide the needed support structure. This will enable a woman to lovingly hold her husband accountable without the perpetual threat of physical harm and financial ruin.

Consult with professionals in your area to find out how to implement intervention with an abuser and how to provide protection for a victim and her children. Also, seek liability insurance to protect the church from litigation. It's a small price to pay for the added potential risk in dealing with these situations.

2. Maintain follow-through. Be persistent. It's easy to get discouraged when working with individuals who come from abusive homes. Progress is usually slow and almost seems nonexistent at times. Expect the unexpected. It can be draining work, so don't allow only a few people to carry the load. Don't become weary in doing good (Gal. 6:9-10). An extensive prayer ministry is needed to support this frontline, hand-to-hand combat.

3. Establish a referral network for helping both victims and abusers. This includes housing, food, clothing, medical services, legal advice, protective services, professional counseling, and employment services. Don't be afraid to recommend the help of other reputable agencies.

The church should be the focal point for coordinating the overall ministry efforts to help this wounded person become a healthier member of the body of Christ. But the church should not be expected to do it all themselves.

4. Hold the abuser accountable. Remember, the church is responsible to minister truth and mercy to both the abuser and the victim. The church is about the business of restoration. If there has been a separation due to physical violence, regular accountability must be maintained. If charges have been pressed and he is incarcerated, he should not be abandoned. He needs to know that while the church sides with God in hating his sin, they (like God) desire his restoration.

If you recognize that you are living in an abusive marriage, there are some important steps that you need to consider:

1. Admit that you are the victim of spouse abuse. You didn't ask for this. Don't take responsibility for the abuse. Don't pretend it will get better if you just ignore the problem or work harder to pacify your husband.

2. Get to a place of safety. If you are living in a situation of immediate danger in which you fear for your life, go to a friend or family member's house where you can safely call for help. If you don't have anyone you can go to, call a local shelter for abused women in your area.

3. Notify the authorities as soon as possible in the event of an attack. In most states, mandatory arrest laws have recently been passed to help ensure the safety of the victim of domestic violence.

4. Break the silence. If you have been terrorized by an abusive spouse, tell someone you trust about the abuse. But by all means, refuse to keep it quiet any longer. Tell your pastor, an elder, or a church leader. Talk to a counselor. Call a local domestic violence hotline in your area. Don't stop talking about it until someone begins to listen to you and takes your situation seriously.

Above all, when you feel as if there is no one else to turn to, you have the invitation of the One who suffered and died for you. It is Jesus who said, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11:28).